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Deficient

Submitted by Indivisible_Origin on Mon, 2023-02-06 00:23

If giving into ecstasy
And forgetting the past
Were a cause I could cling to
In a church built to last

If a drop weren’t too much
And all was enough
I could drown the devil
In the sorrow of an empty cup

If living in everything
Meant nowhere to run
Your god wouldn't last
A day in my sun

If possible were probable
And words weren’t just air
Love would be sufficient
And Life would be fair

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - polished draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

Rosewood Apothecary

Mon, 2023-02-06 05:19

Rosewood Apothecary's picture
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Dude, I needed to catch my breath. Who are you, really? Like are you famous and came here to hide?

Best thing I’ve read in a month easily.
Tim

Indivisible_Origin

Fri, 2023-02-10 00:03

Indivisible_Origin's picture

tickled me to read. Good smile. I appreciate the read and the outstanding praise. Wow man. I am a HUGE fan of art begetting art. Yes to writing recording anything. That is awesome. I am not famous. I am a garden variety 45 year old man living in the currently snowy mountains of Northern New Mexico. I am single, I am sober (6 years this month), I am introverted and lonely some days but incredibly grateful every day if I'm doing it right. I am riddled with doubt and rife with mistakes and I am forever yet to give up. But no fame.

author comment

Rosewood Apothecary

Fri, 2023-02-10 14:45

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I just hit seven years last month myself. Good for you.

Music by myself with lyrics from our very own Geezer.

https://m.youtube.com/playlist?list=OLAK5uy_l00VtMk9l7sABo-Q-ZDgvYGfVvYe...

Music by myself, lyrics by our very own words.unwritten and myself

https://m.youtube.com/playlist?list=OLAK5uy_nMStRVe4jdWzZLX2HvwHBa4cG_TD...

Candlewitch got the treatment too. Finished, but it’s not released yet. (I’m stalling on artwork and I have a full album coming out March 21).

I’m currently working on one with Rose Black. I never though I’d write 4 new songs as result of hanging here. Lol.

We can try something

Rosewood Apothecary

Mon, 2023-02-06 05:23

Rosewood Apothecary's picture
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Write and record something

Seren

Fri, 2023-02-10 10:41

Seren's picture

I really loved this one too. But I have some suggestions as always? they are just that suggestions. Ignore if they aren't what you're going for with this one.

If giving into ecstasy
*was* forgetting the past
*Is* a cause I could cling to
In a church built to last

If a drop weren’t too much
And all was enough
I could drown the devil
in the sorrow of an empty cup

If living in everything
Meant nowhere to run
Your god wouldn't last
A day *under a raging* sun

If possible were probable
And words weren’t just air
Love would be sufficient
And Life would be fair

That last stanza is perfection I think it's a cracker.

Kind regards Jayne

“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats

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