Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

A BOY THAT I ONCE KNEW

Submitted by William Lynn on Mon, 2023-09-04 12:42

He was young but still he knew
He didn't learn like others did,
He thought that he was slow to learn
And just a different kind of kid.

His friends were close and many
But they all seemed to have a gift,
To remember what they learned in school
While the boy just stayed adrift,

Most kids gave their full attention
While the boy dreamed of other places,
He wished to be away from school
And the judgmental, staring faces.

His friends would sometimes ask
Why he never would sit still,
And try to learn his lessons
Instead of finding time to kill.

No one had the names back then
Or initials that might explain,
Why some kids walk a different road
As their doubts of self remain.

Attention deficit disorder
Are more than just three words,
And hyperactivity a companion
That swarms like vengeful birds.

But time and new direction
And friendly guides to show the way,
Would help to teach the boy
That had so many words to say.

Now the years are many
With a full life, a family too,
And the time to write a poem
About a boy that I once knew.

Review Request (Intensity):

I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Review Request (Direction):

What did you think of my title?

How was my language use?

How does this theme appeal to you?

How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Is the internal logic consistent?

Editing stage:

Editing - polished draft

Contest:

School Days

Content level:

Not Explicit Content

Opt-in: Neopoet AI will critique your poem.

Comments

neopoet

Mon, 2023-09-04 18:43

Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "A Boy That I Once Knew" presents a narrative that is both engaging and thought-provoking. It successfully captures the struggles and experiences of a boy who learns differently than his peers. The use of rhyme and rhythm throughout the poem adds a pleasing musicality to the reading experience.

However, there are areas where the poem could be improved. In terms of the narrative, it might be beneficial to delve deeper into the boy's experiences and emotions. The poem currently provides a broad overview of the boy's life, but more specific details could help the reader form a stronger emotional connection to the character.

In terms of language, the poem could benefit from more varied and vivid imagery. For instance, the line "And hyperactivity a companion / That swarms like vengeful birds" is a powerful image that effectively conveys the boy's struggle with hyperactivity. More lines like this could enhance the overall impact of the poem.

The poem's structure could also be refined. The current structure is consistent, with four-line stanzas and a simple rhyme scheme. However, playing with different structures could add another layer of interest to the poem. For instance, the poet could consider using enjambment or varying the length of the stanzas to mirror the boy's unpredictable and unique way of thinking.

Lastly, the poem's conclusion could be more impactful. The final lines reveal that the boy has grown up and is now writing a poem about his past. This is a powerful revelation, but it could be presented in a more dramatic or surprising way to leave a lasting impression on the reader.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Geezer

Mon, 2023-09-04 17:00

First...

let me say that this is a most heartfelt poem for me.
One of my sons has it, and one of his sons. I have been borderline all my life
I have a couple of younger friends late teens and early twenties, that are diagnosed.
I think that as a society we are bombarded with so much stimulus, that some of us
are overwhelmed.
Your rhyme is perfect, the rhythm almost so; just a tad hesitation that could be fixed
with the deletion of a syllable or two [maybe I'm off your mark],

My suggestion is:

"And hyperactivity, a companion"

"With full life, and family too"
Of course, as always, feel free to ignore everything I said. ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

William Lynn

Mon, 2023-09-04 17:40

Thanks Geez. Your

Thanks Geez. Your suggestions are always helpful and always appreciated. - Will

author comment

Geezer

Mon, 2023-09-04 17:56

My pleasure...

Nice to have been of some help. ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Lavender

Tue, 2023-09-05 14:33