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AS FOOTPRINTS FADE
Like footprints in the melting snow
our past lives fade away
while leaving hints of where we'll go
from their seeming course we often stray.
The future is the breaking dawn
a day promised but not yet here
a figment we depend upon
as its focus becomes clear.
My path has led me many ways
both random and chosen with care
which disappear in the past's haze
as if I wasn't ever truly there.
I stop and look back on my track
in the slushy melting snow
then go on, no more looking back
for I've still many miles to go.
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage:
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Comments
scribbler
Wed, 2010-11-17 11:35
fade
I had actually considered both variations and will make a change in edit. Always good to see you and hear your suggestions........stan
scribbler
Wed, 2010-11-17 11:38
footsteps
This started as 2 separate poems that were going to dead ends that I decided belonged together. Thanks for the read.........stan
Victorclaude
Thu, 2010-11-18 08:21
"as if I wasn't ever truly
"as if I wasn't ever truly there"
It does feel like that, doesn't it?
Thought provoking piece.
Victor
"When a pickpocket meets a holy man all he sees are his pockets."
Unknown (at least to me)
scribbler
Thu, 2010-11-18 08:50
footsteps
Hope the thinking didn't result in a headache lol. Write was attempt to show futility of living in the past or putting too much stock in the future. Always glad to see you here........scribbler
magics02
Sun, 2010-11-21 19:12
Spot on Stan
I love this one as it is written so well. I see a change in your writing and it is a positivity I feel also. In one line the comma is hanging out in the middle of the sentence, just one small thing that popped out to me. Nothing and that does not take away the passion of this write. Excellent in my book:)
Blessings to you
Mona
scribbler
Sun, 2010-11-21 19:16
foot prints
Getting sloppy with my comma spacing lol. I am glad to see you back on my page Mona........stan
scribbler
Tue, 2010-11-23 16:50
fade
good of you to visit and leave such a kind comment........scribbler
scribbler
Tue, 2010-11-23 21:13
footprints
Reckon I agree with you as edit has yet lol.Actually wanted to use both, but it just doesn't work that way. Hope weather is warming for you......stan
loved
Tue, 2010-11-23 20:31
UUUUU RRRRRRRR
THE BEST SCRIBLER
I'VE COME ACROSS
NEXT TO MY FOOTBALL DRIBBLER
BUT OF COURSE
I ‘LL STAY
AS U SAY
AND HOPE U'LL CONTINUE
TO ENTER MY DRIVE WAY
HOPEFULLY
SOME MORE DAWNS
FROM TODAY
I SAY IT IN CAPITALS
I DO PRAY
U WILL THINK
IT’S A SMALL WAY
loved
scribbler
Tue, 2010-11-23 21:15
fade
thanks loved. I see you're still after me for capitalizing my titles huh? ............scribbler
Race_9togo
Tue, 2010-11-23 20:49
Scribbler
It's all good; nothing to critique.
I get the strong message of "look down at where you place your feet, not where they were".
So true, and so skillfully portrayed.
Respectfully, Race
"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo
scribbler
Tue, 2010-11-23 21:17
fade
You got it about right. The only real control we have in life is ability to control the now. Appreciate the read..........scribbler