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Talking to the moon
Only the moon can bear witness
To promises whispered in darkness
Only the moon could speak of our time
Of almost bliss and breathless kisses
Out there underneath the black dome
While the stars blinked and blushed,
Among the shadows solemnly hushed,
We swayed and swayed as the trees
Do with the breeze...
We swayed, we swayed,
With a "moon and tide" ease.
How quickly it all withers away
A death so diligent as that of a rose
Nothing good can ever stay
And that is how it all goes.
Looking back now how I held her
So close in a moment too rare
Too close for a mere mortal to bear
I think it only a beautifully crafted lie.
Splendid moon won't you even try?
Make me believe before I sink to grief
That she laid imbedded here
In these arms-- never to part.
So close she was more than near
So close she was as my heart
My heart and arms holding her,
Mine...oh mine and part of me!
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Botswana
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Edgar Allen Poe, Robert Frost, Lord Byron, Kalil Jibran
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Comments
neopoet
Mon, 2024-07-15 23:00
Neopoet AI 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
It is not feasible to offer feedback.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Words Ablaze
Tue, 2024-07-16 04:11
Yea this feels like silent
Yea this feels like silent treatment.... Was it something I said?
author commentTriskelion
Thu, 2024-07-18 09:13
I think...
...the ai is confused by the relationship of some words and thoughts. It's like a digital stroke, I think. Wouldn't it be cool to understand what it's programming encounters? Its reaction? Don't read too far into it. Just keep writing...
Thomas
.
.
...so like my lost dreams...the flood
Words Ablaze
Fri, 2024-07-19 05:51
Haha you mean I scrambled up
Haha you mean I scrambled up it's wires with a few lines. It definetly would be insanely cool to read a poem as the AI would. The punishment we must be dealing to the poor thing with all our phrasing of things. OK I'll keep at it then
author commentTriskelion
Mon, 2024-07-15 17:09
Meter SVP
the theme has potential if you are looking to clean it up.
Out THERE, underNEATH our HEAVENly DOME
Everyone has something to help others improve. That's how communities grow.
Thomas
.
.
...so like my lost dreams...the flood
Words Ablaze
Mon, 2024-07-15 17:21
Nicely spotted... Thanxs
Nicely spotted... Thanxs
author commentCandlewitch
Tue, 2024-07-16 06:03
hello Words Ablaze,
I was diggin' it, humming along...then this line brought me up short:
Out there under a terrific heavenly dome
actually it was the word "terrific" that squelched my ear, like playing a wrong note on a musical instrument! Perhaps another descriptor? I find no fault with the rest of your lovely poem. These lines are pure enchantment:
While the stars blinked and blushed,
Among the shadows solemnly hushed,
We swayed and swayed as the trees
Do with the breeze...
We swayed, we swayed,
With a "moon and tide" ease.
I love it!, even the inevitable grief that sets in... so poignant!
*hugs, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Words Ablaze
Tue, 2024-07-16 16:29
I love that you loved it.
I love that you loved it. Thank you for reading, I know I always get solid feedback when you do. "Poignant" is what I was gunning for haha.
author commentkowque
Fri, 2024-07-19 15:52
This was long
But, as an African, I'm hoping you aren't bewitching your enemies during these times #jokes
Very strong word play
Koki
Words Ablaze
Mon, 2024-07-22 10:28
You know how it is Koki...
You know how it is Koki....the loing never stops man.
If I don't witch the hell outta yall how will you lern? Haha
author commentWords Ablaze
Mon, 2024-07-22 10:32
Yea it's long.. I like to
Yea it's long.. I like to thoroughly spill out my guts. I guess this is where we stand apart... You being the brief 2line guy and the 2 paragraph dude.
author commentkowque
Tue, 2024-07-23 16:14
I'm one of those women who shout
In real life
I choose my words
When I have time
Lol
I also struggle with writing like you
It's a skill
Koki
Words Ablaze
Sun, 2024-07-28 12:12
Thank you... And you choose
Thank you... And you choose your words beautifully.... Precise shots to deliver emense emotion.. I'd like to learn that
author commentkowque
Fri, 2024-07-19 15:53
The sway sway bit..
Lol, Seems like y'all decided
To catch flu
But, young lovers
Take risks
Lovely piece
Koki
Words Ablaze
Mon, 2024-07-22 10:30
Thanks big time. When it's
Thanks big time. When it's new... It's unstoppable... C'mon you know this.
author comment