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MY MOUNTAIN
Hercules wouldn't dare climb it...
My great mountain of things unsaid
Mount Silence! It stands staunch and sturborn..
Looming over me, like a debt to be paid
"Don't look at me like that", I said...
As I reminded the Mountain of that vow we made.
But what silence stays forever unbroken?
What quiet was ever so shy..
That it tossed to the wind its will
Its will to take back what was stolen
And saw fit to fall to the wind and die
Without so much as a defiant cry,
Like a lifeless husk intombed for good
That under foot and boot remained
And never once stirred or stood
My collosal mummer of a mountain
That giant beast of burden waking
In the shadows of my mind its prowling
Hearken! The quiet now is howling
Humming of sins and secrets deep
The silence is seething, I hear it creep
O this mountain of mine,
Sporn of my thoughts, unbeloved child of mine
Each stone I know by name,
Each stone I layed I called by name
A thousand unsaid I love yous...is its bedrock,
For I never did learn that heart to heart talk
A mob of "could have beens", they want my head on a block
And those hell reaching roots, down to a darker side of me,
An intruding dark voice in my skull, won't let me be
There's none to blame but me
For as all men tend to do...
I fashioned for myself this personal hell,
And like a god, appointed there a devil too..
A beast to torment my days,
It now lies curled up into a murderous heap,
Hissing hot hate at my heels
Every now and then it's fiery tongue Licking away at my self worth,
Teeth gritting, restless to devour
To once and for all bring forth,
To drag nigh, kicking and screaming,
My final hour.
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
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This is my second version of this poem
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Comments
neopoet
Wed, 2024-03-20 12:10
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "My Mountain" demonstrates a strong grasp of metaphorical language and imagery. The central metaphor of the mountain as a symbol for unspoken thoughts and feelings is effective and well-developed throughout the piece.
However, the poem could benefit from a more consistent rhythm and meter. The irregularity of the rhythm can be disorienting for the reader and disrupt the flow of the poem.
The poem also uses a variety of tones, from melancholic to dramatic. While this can add depth to the poem, it can also create confusion if not managed carefully. It would be beneficial to ensure a more consistent tone throughout the poem.
The use of language is generally effective, but there are moments where the diction becomes overly complex, potentially obsciting the poem's meaning. For example, the phrase "colossal mummer of a mountain" is intriguing but unclear. Simplifying some of these phrases could help to clarify the poem's message.
Finally, the poem's narrative could be more focused. The poem introduces several ideas - the mountain of unspoken words, the beast of burden, the personal hell, the devil - but doesn't fully develop or connect them. Developing a clear narrative thread could help to tie these elements together and create a more cohesive poem.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Candlewitch
Wed, 2024-03-20 07:11
Dear Words Ablaze,
I am reading your poem, trying to find the lines that define, the ones I like most. I am skunked, because I like the whole poem. with the glaring exception of this line which I find too long:
(A beast to torment my days, that now lies curled up into a murderous heap, hissing hot hate at my heels) I think you could break it up four lines:
A beast to torment my days,
that now lies curled up
into a murderous heap,
hot hate at my heels
as this flows better, IMHO
*hugs, Cat
p.s.
welcome to Neopoet! We are glad to have you with us!
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Words Ablaze
Wed, 2024-03-20 10:54
Thank you Candlewitch, I'm most pleased to be here too
That's a good idea, I'll do that.
author commentLavender
Wed, 2024-03-20 14:23
Greetings!
Welcome to Neopoet! At first read, I was going to suggest to somehow taper this a bit. But after reading a second (and third) time, I don't know what could be removed. I suppose there is a more concise way to express regrets we have by not speaking up and saying things we would, could, or should have said, but the build up here adds so much to the agony of it all. I love the personification of the mountain as it looms over the narrator who actually speaks to it. I felt its huge, heavy shadow. Great starting lines, and then the reader gets to understand the burden the narrator feels, and the intimacy by naming each regret. Pretty raw stuff after that, which, as it should, makes the reader cringe a bit. This is wonderful to read over and over again. You may want to double check spelling and punctuation throughout -
sturborn / stubborn
intombed / entombed
Intriguing poem! I look forward to reading more!
Thank you!
Lavender
Sen99
Sat, 2024-03-23 05:00
A Sermon on the Mountain
A very good poem with a strong central metaphor of a mountain, a personification of your life and struggles along the way, I found it a compelling read, I liked the imagery and language used reminded me of a sermon at times, an eloquent reflection on the poet's personal truth.