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My Mountain (original)
Hercules wouldn't dare climb it,
my great mountain,
my colossal heap of things unsaid.
"Mount Silence", it stands tall and endless,
stabbing at my sky like a mighty dagger,
stabbing, stabbing until blue bleeds.
The dagger, digging deep, slicing, and slipping skin from sky. Behold! With the blood, Silence writes, name after name upon my sky
The red there outstanding, my truth therein, outpouring.
All the while, I cannot bare nor does my heart harbour a lonely care,
to see the names of the demons that haunt my heart's hell,
Here-in, so beautifully penned in stunning red upon a bleeding blue.
Into their eyes I will not stare, even as they glare, I shan't dare...
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
How was my language use?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words:
A poem about how all that we keep inside longs for the light. Of how we fake an outward peace but wage an internal war with all inside.
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Botswana
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Edgar Allen Poe, Robert Frost, Lord Byron, Kalil Jibran
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Comments
neopoet
Fri, 2024-08-02 20:51
Neopoet AI 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "My Mountain" effectively uses vivid imagery and metaphor to convey the weight of unspoken thoughts and emotions. The mountain symbolizes the burden of unexpressed feelings, with "Mount Silence" representing the overwhelming nature of these suppressed emotions. The imagery of the mountain stabbing at the sky like a dagger adds a sense of urgency and pain to the poem.
The use of color imagery, with the red blood staining the blue sky, creates a striking visual contrast that enhances the emotional depth of the poem. The names written in blood upon the sky suggest a haunting presence of inner demons that the speaker is reluctant to confront.
One aspect to consider is the consistency of the imagery throughout the poem. While the mountain and sky metaphor is strong, the introduction of demons in the later stanzas could be further developed to strengthen the overall thematic coherence. Exploring how these demons relate to the mountain of unsaid things could provide a more cohesive narrative.
Additionally, paying attention to the flow and structure of the poem
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Candlewitch
Mon, 2024-08-05 06:37
Dear Words Ablaze,
This is the best poem of yours that I have the pleasure of commenting on! and this is the best line of the poem, I believe,
The dagger, digging deep, slicing, and slipping skin from sky. Behold! With the blood, Silence writes, name after name upon my sky
this is E'ffing brilliant!
*hugs, Cat
*
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Words Ablaze
Mon, 2024-08-05 14:57
That's wassup C. Damn I might
That's wassup C. Damn I might get used to this love right here. LOL. I'm so tickled pink that you enjoyed it so. Thank you for your thoughts. Priceless.
author commentLavender
Mon, 2024-08-05 19:28
My Mountain
Hello, Words Ablaze,
Hmm... I truly cannot decide if this is my favorite version, or the piece you posted on 3.20.24. This is certainly more condensed and a bit easier to follow, and just as powerful. And I can "hear" both being read aloud. But I truly love the strong, marvelous feel of Shakespeare in the March version. I'd really like to know which version expresses your intent best. I'm gonna be back after you respond.
Thank you!
L
Words Ablaze
Tue, 2024-08-06 09:14
I love that they got you
I love that they got you caught in the middle like that. LOL. I'd say this here version for me hits the target better, it's the first anguished scream and the longer version is the reverberating echo. I could see them both being read aloud too, just to let them run free n wild. Thank you so much for reading L. I hope you can pick your fav among the two one of this days and don't think I missed that Shakespeare remark, so um gonna go ahead and let it go to my head. LOL.
author commentLavender
Tue, 2024-08-06 10:16
Hello!
Glad to know your favorite. I really enjoy this version, but the March version is just so much fun to read aloud. Both enjoyable to read.
Thank you!
L
Words Ablaze
Wed, 2024-08-07 03:29
Thank you L.
Thank you L.
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