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SWEET PERIL

Submitted by Words Ablaze on Sun, 2024-06-23 08:44

Won't you tell me, sweet Sharon?
By the faintest of whispers if you must

Or roar with the ravaging fires of a Dragon
Say you see this longing in my eye at last

For if dew dripping lips could kill
And thick hips scorch a man with thrill

When to simply look is to simply perish
Every time I chance to steal a glance

I get this one blasphemous sense
I'm a corpse that was never more alive.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - polished draft
Contest: 
Neopoet Weekly 06/23/24 to 06/29/24
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

neopoet

Sun, 2024-06-23 14:50

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "SWEET PERIL" effectively conveys a sense of longing and desire through vivid imagery and strong emotions. The use of contrasting elements such as whispers and roaring fires, dew dripping lips and thick hips, adds depth to the poem. The repetition of the theme of longing and the idea of feeling alive yet like a corpse create a sense of tension and passion throughout the piece. Consider refining the structure and flow of the poem to enhance its impact further. Additionally, exploring different poetic devices such as meter, rhyme, or symbolism could help elevate the overall composition.

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Rula

Fri, 2024-06-28 00:50

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A compelling theme and writing here.
The title fits well I believe.
I like especially the final line, "I'm a corpse that was never alive," which encapsulates beautifully the longing and the paradox of feeling alive in the presence of something that could lead to one's demise
Enjoyed the read
Thank you for sharing.

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