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Tavern Tramp (by: eddy styx)

Submitted by Candlewitch on Sun, 2024-02-11 13:05

Yeah, Bartender, my usual poison
Jack strait-up, please no rocks
bourbon will not sit here very long
shooting the liquor before it can mock

but now I need to sit awhile
basking in your feminine glory
feeding off your sweet energy slowly,
the glow in your eyes tells me a story

I see your past in big green eyes
which are weapons, you tantalize
asking pointed questions of you
ever so suddenly you do realize...

Tables turned, in the naked light
Never guessing you would get caught.
Now is the time for confrontation
Answer the charges that have been brought

Or forever hold your diabolical lying tongue within
For the evil magic spell has been broken revealing your sin!

Style / type:

Structured: Western

Review Request (Intensity):

I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Review Request (Direction):

What did you think of my title?

How was my language use?

What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?

How does this theme appeal to you?

How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Last few words:

I will return to punctuate, etc. for Rosemary and Rita

Editing stage:

Editing - rough draft

Content level:

Not Explicit Content

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Comments

neopoet

Sun, 2024-02-11 19:10

Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Tavern Tramp" demonstrates a strong use of dialogue and narrative, creating a vivid scene in a bar setting. The use of colloquial language, such as "my usual poison", "Jack strait-up, please no rocks", and "shooting the liquor before it can mock", effectively conveys the speaker's character and the atmosphere of the setting.

However, the poem could benefit from more consistent use of meter and rhyme. The irregular rhythm and rhyme scheme can be disorienting, making it difficult to follow the narrative. For example, the second stanza has an ABAB rhyme scheme, while the third stanza follows an AABB pattern. Consistency in these elements can enhance the flow and readability of the poem.

The narrative could also be clearer. The shift from the speaker's admiration of the bartender to the confrontation in the final stanzas is abrupt. Providing more context or foreshadowing could help the reader understand this transition.

Lastly, the poem's language and imagery could be more precise. Phrases like "basking in your feminine glory" and "the glow in your eyes tells me a story" are somewhat vague and could be replaced with more concrete and specific descriptions. This would help the reader visualize the scene and understand the characters' emotions more deeply.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

RoseBlack

Sun, 2024-02-11 14:05