Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Happiness

Submitted by Blue-eyed Bolla on Thu, 2023-05-25 10:28

I crave a little happiness
to cheer my twilight years.
My Mom says I’ve no right to it,
and cites my ex-wife’s tears.

I pray for peace and joy filled days
to make my life worthwhile.
She says, for sweet serenity,
I’ve been too vain and vile.

Mom also says, I’ve sinned away
the day of God’s good grace.
That when true love was offered me,
I spat in true love’s face.

I don’t deny this guilt of mine;
I know my fatal flaw,
but though I don’t have angel wings,
I’m not the devil’s whore!

And I have been more sinned against
in life, as man and youth,
so I deserve some happiness,
and that’s the gospel truth!

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
Opt-in: Neopoet AI will critique your poem.

Comments

neopoet

Thu, 2023-05-25 10:28

neopoet's picture
Volunteer badge

The below is a computer generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

This poem explores the theme of happiness and the narrator's desire to attain it in their twilight years. The use of dialogue between the narrator and their mother adds depth to the poem, highlighting the conflicting opinions and beliefs surrounding happiness and sin. The use of religious imagery and language adds another layer to the poem, emphasizing the moral and ethical implications of seeking happiness. The final line, "and that's the gospel truth," drives home the narrator's conviction and desire for happiness.

One suggested line edit could be to change "I pray for peace and joyfulness" to "I pray for peace and joy." This small change maintains the overall meaning of the line while also simplifying it and making it more concise.

Overall, the poem effectively conveys the narrator's desire for happiness and the challenges they face in attaining it. The use of dialogue, religious imagery, and a strong concluding line all contribute to the poem's impact.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Blue-eyed Bolla

Thu, 2023-05-25 11:37

Blue-eyed Bolla's picture

Agree with Neo. I've made the appropriate changes.

KBloor

author comment
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.