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Sunku Satisfied... [Sunku Workshop]
Slender
Green stalks wave
Bright heads bobbing
Showers
Cleansing me
Fence post hanger
Sky-light
Sparks of fire
The heavens call
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
How was my language use?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Last few words:
I called up memories of a summer rain on a farm for this one. An alone day with nothing to do.
Editing stage:
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.
Comments
lonlyhrtsclub13
Sun, 2018-02-25 12:53
I like this
I got a few different vibes from this. Alien abduction, suicide....good form with an element of mystery.
Keep Writing,
Carrie
"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"
Geezer
Sun, 2018-02-25 15:09
Sheesh....
I guess my reputation proceeds me. Thank you. ~ Gee.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
raj
Sun, 2018-02-25 13:28
Hi Geezer
I too liked this. Farm is a good place to write from eh!
Regards...
raj (sublime_ocean)
Geezer
Sun, 2018-02-25 15:10
Thanks raj...
Glad you liked it!
~ Geezer.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Rula
Sun, 2018-02-25 15:18
Brilliant
first stanza (imo).
But the whole piece reads great.
Thanks for sharing.
❤❤❤❤❤❤
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IRiz
Sun, 2018-02-25 17:48
Hello, Geezer. Wonderful poem.
Slender
Green stalks wave
Bright heads bobbing
Great fresh words and enticing image here.
The freshness is enhanced by
Showers
Cleansing me
Fence post hanger
Then a sudden thunder or a motorcycle malfunction
Sky-light
Sparks of fire
First ride in spring
I love your poem except the heaven calls. Too many people write about those calls.
But if you write something simple about yourself, I wrote about a ride because for me spring is associated with three things green growth, rains and first rides.
One can imagine all kind of things happening on the first ride in season. It doesn't have to be dramatic but loud and smoking!
I am sure you would relate to this ending more.
IRiz
Geezer
Mon, 2018-02-26 10:08
The skylight...
stanza was intended to show the end of the day, when lying on my back in the loft of the cabin and looking through the skylight and seeing meteors [sparks] and Heaven calls being the urge to know what is out there. Geezer.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
IRiz
Mon, 2018-02-26 11:23
Ah! Thank you now I
Ah! Thank you now I understand.
I was too tired yersterday. Great poem.
It makes perfect sense. Why I discarded the literal meaning of the word skylight I don't know.
I was too tired. It takes a lot of energy to be a good reader.
IRiz
IRiz
Mon, 2018-02-26 16:38
I thought about your sunku,
I thought about your sunku, while I was reading this poem by Kobayashi Issa
beautiful -
through a hole in the paper door
the Milky Way
I hope you like it.
IRiz
Geezer
Wed, 2018-02-28 09:27
I am...
pleased that you thought of my Sunku while reading Kobayashi Issa; and yes, I do like it! thank you.
~ Geezer.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
weirdelf
Mon, 2018-02-26 23:07
Fits the form and is very good.
https://vocaroo.com/i/s17tyvDnop7c
cheers,
Jess
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