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XIX

Submitted by Sheddie on Sun, 2023-07-02 02:23

Blood flows through my veins,
I try to flow, but it always fails in vain,
Many hopes, dreams, glory, gushing every January,
growing, Marching on with will,
To the warm and rigid hands of May,
Unbelief and fear comes with other August visitors,
Leaving failures behind, to keep me sober every December.
My Lazarus is struggling, striving to come forth,
But he is lost, locked inside the fig tree.
My people praise me, calling me a hero,
One who has nothing, not even a zero
I try to see my tomorrow,
But I see the memories of my future, living in my past
I dream of lasting like Methuselah,
But my pains urge me to walk like Alexander,
Will I find peace,
When my sand runs through the other side of the hour glass?
Will I find grace and mercy,
When my trumpet sounds?

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
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Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Contest: 
July 2023 New Member Contest
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

neopoet

Sun, 2023-07-02 08:24

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "XIX" explores themes of struggle, hope, and the passage of time. The use of vivid imagery, such as blood flowing through veins and the reference to Lazarus, adds depth to the poem. The structure of the poem, with its consistent rhyme scheme and rhythm, creates a sense of flow and continuity.

One suggestion for improvement is to consider the use of specific and concrete language. While the poem contains some abstract ideas and emotions, incorporating more concrete details can enhance the reader's understanding and connection to the poem. For example, instead of mentioning "failures" in December, you could provide specific examples or experiences that convey the feeling of failure.

Additionally, the poem raises questions about the speaker's search for peace and grace. It would be interesting to further explore these themes and provide more insight into the speaker's journey and perspective. Consider delving deeper into the emotions and thoughts surrounding these concepts to create a more impactful and thought-provoking conclusion.

Overall, "XIX

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Jenifer James

Sun, 2023-07-30 03:15

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'But I see the memories of my future, living in my past' - what an interesting line. That line is worth re-reading.

This poem has impact but also confused me a little - I would love to know the background to this poem, to put this poem into context.

There is a sense of loss in the words and uncertainty (what I read, anyway)... just maybe too many ideas in one poem?

Look forward to reading more of your work!

Jenifer Jaspa James

Sheddie

Fri, 2023-08-18 02:16

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Thanks ❤️

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