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WILL I (first poem of the year)

Will i become what i never knew,
When I know what I need to become?

Will i see what i never saw,
When my eyes begin to see my stars?

Will I grow to be what my being entails,
When my vehicles begins to breathe?

Will I be the freedom that no one fears,
Will my struggle for success be wished for?

When I walk through the gates that gave me in?
Will i be known, will i be kept whole in memory,
After doing all things said and done?

Will i be a song unsung,
Or a song sang to trigger the fire scared to burn?

Will I know what you think of me,
Before my time shoot its last bullet?

Will I be my pride, my own hero,
Or a villain who enjoys victories that hurts?

Review Request (Intensity): 
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What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
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1] You only need one [ess] in the line: "When my vehicles begins to breathe"
[either the one at vehicle or the one at breathes.
Personally, I would opt for keeping the one on vehicles,
Making the line: "When my vehicles begin to breathe".

Then, I would make the word [sang] sung, in the line: "Or a song [sung] to trigger, the fire scared to burn?
It should be [shoot[s].
hurt, rather than hurt[s].

Always glad to help. Use my advice as is, twist it to use as you would your own, or let it be. ~ Geez.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Sure I will
Thanks ♥️

author comment

Hello, Sheddie,
Many thoughts brought in with the New Year.
"...will I be kept whole in memory..."
So much here to sit with and visit for a while. Beautiful in its depth and honesty.
Thank you,

Thanks ♥️

author comment
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