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THE WEDDING NIGHT

Submitted by Ruby Lord on Sun, 2023-12-03 13:27

At the altar stood the couple, shining faces and combed hair,
The groom, in bliss he stole a kiss, mouthed an eager prayer.
Her hand slipped into his as they faced each other for the vow,
Excitement tingled in his groin; can’t wait, the time is now.

Late that evening he held her tight, undid her ivory dress.
She slid into the cool white sheets; at first did she protest.
Before we reach our heaven, I want you to agree,
if you die in bed tonight, your wealth you’ll give to me.

Him at the point of coming and her upon her knees,
He signed the form she held tight, she had an expertise.
The groom is now concerned, worried by his choice,
He rolls over, snores softly, until he’s awoken by her voice.

Do it again, I want you, she whispers in his ear,
And up it stood, a boy who’s good, his doo dah did appear.
She straddled him like an athlete; her muscles gripped him tight,
And all night long she kept him up, beyond the morning light.

Now our marriage consummated, and you have changed your will,
Do you want more sex old man? What’s wrong, you feeling ill?
His legs they’d stopped working, he thought his back was broke,
Her husband couldn’t raise a smile, had he had a stroke?

As I've gone to half the trouble; can you make it all the way?
I don’t think I like being married; when you’ve nothing left to say.
It’s temporary the doctor said; he’ll soon be right again,
In her face a cross-eyed look; doctor are you mad, insane?

I’m your husband’s physician and I have a cure for this,
He opened up the Gladstone bag, and checked his patient’s wrist.
The heart is strong it’s beating fast, and I have a remedy,
The man you married yesterday, suffers from mistaken identity.

He’s not a rich old oil tycoon, he’s no Barron nor a prince.
We know him all over town, so many women he’s convinced.
He’s a con man and a cad, who took you for a ride,
Things could be worse my dear, at least you haven’t died.

Her mouth fell open all aghast; her knees spread bilaterally,
Madam if you want him gone, you will oblige me with your flattery.
In her hand she held a dagger, but she couldn’t look him in the eye,
I’d like to indulge you Doctor, sorry, but now’s the time you die.

Review Request (Intensity):

I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Review Request (Direction):

What did you think of my title?

How was my language use?

What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?

How does this theme appeal to you?

How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Last few words:

Had some time to work on this which I wrote ages ago for one of the challenges but didn't post it. Ruby :)

Editing stage:

Editing - rough draft

Content level:

Not Explicit Content

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Comments

neopoet

Sun, 2023-12-03 19:30

Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "The Wedding Night" presents a narrative that is both engaging and surprising, with a twist ending that adds a layer of intrigue. However, there are a few areas that could be improved to enhance the overall quality of the poem.

Firstly, the poem's rhythm and meter could benefit from more consistency. While the poem mostly follows an ABAB rhyme scheme, there are places where the rhythm is disrupted due to an inconsistent number of syllables or stresses in each line. For example, in the line "Late that evening he held her tight, unzipped her ivory dress," the rhythm is different from the previous lines, which can disrupt the flow of the poem for the reader.

Secondly, the poem could benefit from more nuanced and subtle character development. The characters' motivations and feelings are often stated directly, leaving little room for interpretation or emotional depth. For instance, in the line "The groom is now deflated, unhappy in his choice," the groom's feelings are stated outright. Instead, consider showing these emotions through the characters' actions, dialogue, or internal thoughts.

Lastly, the poem's tone could be more consistent. The poem begins with a somewhat romantic and hopeful tone, but it quickly shifts to a more cynical and dark tone. While this could be intentional to create a contrast or surprise the reader, it might also confuse the reader or make the poem feel disjointed. Consider gradually introducing the darker elements of the story to create a smoother transition between the different tones.

Overall, the poem has a compelling narrative and interesting characters, but could be improved with more consistent rhythm and meter, more nuanced character development, and a more consistent tone.

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RoseBlack

Sun, 2023-12-03 21:14

Ooohhh

I like this! It is bold and dark! I especially like the twist at the end where she kills both the doctor and her husband!. Some people just need to die. Well done

~RoseBlack~

Ruby Lord

Mon, 2023-12-04 05:17

Ha ha thanks RoseBlack, you

Ha ha thanks RoseBlack, you're right, some people need to be gone :)
Thank you for you read and comment, I think it needs more work as the Bot has pointed out, but it is funny. Ruby :) xx

Give and grow - let's raise our verses together. I'm happy to comment on your work and appreciate a comment on mine.

author comment

Geezer

Mon, 2023-12-04 13:39

Yep...

Actually, I think that she is well on the way to becoming a woman with a black heart. Although the lines look rather lengthy,
The pace is fast. Nice twist at the end. ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Ruby Lord

Mon, 2023-12-04 13:54

Thanks Geezer, it's a bit too

Thanks Geezer, it's a bit too long overall, I'll take another look at it over the next few days and see where I can cut.
Thank you for your read and comment, Ruby :) xx

Give and grow - let's raise our verses together. I'm happy to comment on your work and appreciate a comment on mine.

author comment

Candlewitch

Mon, 2023-12-04 17:00

;)

Now, that's what I call a "Black Widow"!!! Very well done!!!

*hugs, Cat

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THE WEDDING NIGHT