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THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE
There are more men than women on earth.
In the womb, we nestle deep to receive,
Nourishment in mother’s blood.
Her ceaseless service continues.
Women serve at counters, behind tills, in bars,
We’re here to serve you; ask, we willingly surrender.
Tradition dictates, women deliver service,
in performance of prescribed roles.
Today, fillers, silicone, Botox, reproduce
on faces gazing into an unforeseen future.
Witness carnal colours on inked lips
And brows shaped as permanent caterpillars.
Every hair and blemish erased for “perfection.”
Our destiny shaped, passive, plastic woman,
An obedient robot may refuse your desires,
in gestures of noncompliance.
Recognising marketing motives,
AI may not be our greatest fear.
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
Last few words:
I saw a meme about a plastic woman with the strapline, "Ladies, are you ready for your future?" so I played with the ideas for a while and came up with this.
I'm trying to write different styles of poetry and as you know, finding a topic and delivering a poem in an unfamiliar style doesn't come easily to those with less practice and grasp of said customs.
If anyone would like to comment on this, that would be great.
If anyone wants to buddy up to help me, I would be forever in your debt and I'm happy to support you in your poetry.
If anyone thinks I should just buggar off elsewhere, please let me know, I would thank you for your honesty.
Ruby :) xx
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Not Explicit Content
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I like Margaret Atwoods poetry and I enjoy her writing. She has a natural ability to make her fiction read like poetry, if you read closely you will see it., I have a good understanding of the English language but I don't always follow the rules as I can be a little lazy and sometimes I'm just tired., I've been inspired reading the poetry on Neopoet and have enjoyed analysing other people's work.
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Comments
neopoet
Sat, 2023-12-30 12:50
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE" presents a critical commentary on societal expectations and pressures on women, using a variety of imagery and metaphors. The first two stanzas establish the context of women's roles in society, while the third stanza introduces the theme of artificial beauty standards. The last two stanzas then shift the focus to the future, introducing the idea of AI and the potential for resistance.
The poem could benefit from a more consistent use of imagery. For instance, the image of "homeless caterpillars" in the third stanza is striking, but it is not clear how it relates to the rest of the poem. The poem could also benefit from a clearer connection between the themes of societal expectations, artificial beauty standards, and AI.
The poem's structure could be improved by making the transitions between stanzas and themes smoother. The shift from the second to the third stanza, for instance, is abrupt and could be made smoother by introducing the theme of artificial beauty standards earlier in the poem.
The poem's language is generally clear and accessible, but there are instances where the meaning is unclear. For instance, the phrase "A passive robot may resist in the negative" is ambiguous. Clarifying these instances would make the poem more accessible to readers.
In terms of rhythm and sound, the poem has a consistent rhythm, but there is little use of sound devices such as rhyme, alliteration, or assonance. Incorporating these devices could enhance the poem's musicality and make it more engaging to read.
Overall, the poem presents a compelling critique of societal expectations and pressures on women, but it could be improved by refining its imagery, structure, language, and use of sound devices.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Ruby Lord
Sat, 2023-12-30 14:47
Thanks Bot, I'll work on it.
Thanks Bot, I'll work on it. :)
Give and grow - let's raise our verses together. I'm happy to comment on your work and appreciate a comment on mine.
author commentLavender
Sat, 2023-12-30 21:47
Thank You For Your Service
Hello, Ruby,
The feel of "The Stepford Wives." What a horrifying meme and strapline! I like your title very much, and I think the theme is very strong. I'm wondering if the final stanza should be switched a bit:
Our future - shaped, compliant, plastic women.
A passive robot may resist in the negative
to signal the emergence of noncompliance.
Considering those who sell these packages as desirable,
AI may not be our greatest fear.
Dunno - I may have changed your meaning a bit too much with the twist, but it feels that humans are truly the greatest fear within this.
I'll read this again after you respond.
Thank you, Ruby!
L
Ruby Lord
Sun, 2023-12-31 06:21
Hi Lavender, thank you for
Hi Lavender, thank you for your comments and read, you've really helped me. I have been working on it after I read the Bots comments and have added additional assonance and aliteration as it suggested.
Thank you for switiching the last verse round, I agree it reads better now, and doing this has made the message clearer :)
Again, always happy to read your comments, what do you think now? I appreciate your opinion and help. Ruby :) xxx
Give and grow - let's raise our verses together. I'm happy to comment on your work and appreciate a comment on mine.
author commentLavender
Sun, 2023-12-31 08:31
Hello, Ruby,
I like your revised language. Sharp, and the message is clearer. "Erased" is a much stronger word, and much more accurate. An eerie sense throughout, especially considering this is our reality.
L