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The way of water

Submitted by Seren on Sun, 2023-01-22 10:57

mirrored mountains gleam
the lake, in a reflection
water moves away

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

RoseBlack

Sun, 2023-01-22 12:25

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Yet the imagery says so much...well done!

~RoseBlack~

Seren

Tue, 2023-01-24 11:41

Seren's picture

Thank you I'm happy you liked it!!

Kind regards Jayne xxx

"My head is broken but unbowed" - William Ernest Henley

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mark

Sun, 2023-01-22 13:39

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one school of thought says remove the capitol M and the taps at the end and rethink the a(s) the cove the v(s) are marginal rhymes where the a(s) are obvious.
But you got it!
Godda Jobba

Mark

.
.
I am a caveman
Drawing bovine on a wall
With a burned spear tip
(for Jess)

Seren

Tue, 2023-01-24 11:44

Seren's picture

You're right I've updated this one I actually only had the taps to begin with somehow the M capitalised itself somewhere along the lines.

Thanks for the heads up

Kind regards Jayne x

"My head is broken but unbowed" - William Ernest Henley

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Lavender

Sun, 2023-01-22 14:04

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Hello, Seren,
This is peaceful and serene, yet has just the right touch of motion. Wonderful.
L

Seren

Tue, 2023-01-24 11:46

Seren's picture

Thank you I am so glad you liked it. Haiku is something I dabble in from time to time

Kind regards Jayne x

"My head is broken but unbowed" - William Ernest Henley

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Candlewitch

Sun, 2023-01-22 15:09

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excellent haiku! very visual words.

*hugs, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Seren

Tue, 2023-01-24 11:47

Seren's picture

Thank you I'm so happy you liked it.

Hugs & love always Jayne xxxx

"My head is broken but unbowed" - William Ernest Henley

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Candlewitch

Wed, 2023-01-25 11:23

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is my count.

*Love, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Seren

Wed, 2023-01-25 11:41

Seren's picture

Yep that's what I keep getting too!!!

Love Always Jayne xxx

"My head is broken but unbowed" - William Ernest Henley

author comment

Seren

Tue, 2023-01-24 11:54

Seren's picture

That's a lovely thing to say!! Thanks so much. I'm a blank slate until I put my headphones on. I always listen to instrumental music never songs with lyrics. I find that sometimes being a singer it can influence the process.

I am so happy that you like it

Hugs Jayne xxx

"My head is broken but unbowed" - William Ernest Henley

author comment

lovedly

Wed, 2023-01-25 09:03

lovedly's picture

5 7 5 oe 17 syllables May get it checked by an expert Seren

Seren

Wed, 2023-01-25 10:36

Seren's picture

Maybe I am counting wrong but I counted it to be 5,7,5.

shrug hmmm anybody got time to check for me?

Thanks Lovely. I will make sure to get it checked by an expert

I'm nearly done with your poem lovely.

Love J xxx

"My head is broken but unbowed" - William Ernest Henley

author comment

lovedly

Wed, 2023-01-25 11:15

lovedly's picture

you know I can't count
never mind
if I could count then USA POETESS
who took pains at teaching me
SONNETRY
wouldn't have failed

May God bless her soul

Yeah I am anxious enough to know ...the whole truth ...worth ....as a neo poet
Thanks Seren sis

Seren

Wed, 2023-01-25 11:42

Seren's picture

All good easy enough mistake to make.

Don't sweat it!!!

Love ya Sis

"My head is broken but unbowed" - William Ernest Henley

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