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Waiting on a lullaby!

Submitted by Leslie on Mon, 2024-02-26 21:02

A crescent moon rose discretely
and passed gently into the evening sky.
A little boy, tucked in tight,
with great crocodile tears,
rolling silently down sleepy eyes.
Waiting for his mom to come
and sing soft lullabies.
visions of an enchanted tommorow
dreams that would calm his innocent mind.
A tired heart would soon prevail.
It was time to turn out the light.
When mommy returned, just in time,
To give a kiss and send him off
on a sweet nocturnal flight!

Review Request (Intensity):

I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Review Request (Direction):

What did you think of my title?

How was my language use?

How does this theme appeal to you?

How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Is the internal logic consistent?

Last few words:

We all deserve a lullaby from time to time.

Editing stage:

Editing - rough draft

Contest:

Neopoet Weekly 03/010/24 to 03/16/24

Content level:

Not Explicit Content

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Comments

neopoet

Tue, 2024-02-27 03:03

Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Waiting on a lullaby" successfully employs imagery to convey a peaceful scene of children waiting for their bedtime story. The use of phrases like "a full moon rose discretely" and "gazing cheerfully into the night" effectively sets a serene and calm atmosphere, which is fitting for the theme of the poem.

However, the poem could benefit from a more consistent rhythm and rhyme scheme. The current structure of the poem seems irregular, which can disrupt the flow of the poem. For example, the lines "Stories of a yesterday, / that would brighten every eye" and "Their tired hearts soon would fail them. / It was time to turn out the light" have different syllable counts and rhyme schemes, which can make the poem feel disjointed.

Additionally, the phrase "Their tired hearts soon would fail them" might be interpreted as overly dramatic in the context of a bedtime routine. A more fitting phrase could be used to convey the children's tiredness without suggesting a sense of danger or urgency.

Lastly, the phrase "on their nocturnal flight" is a bit ambiguous. If it is meant to suggest the children's journey into sleep or dreams, it might be more effective to use more direct and concrete imagery to convey this idea.

Overall, the poem effectively uses imagery to create a peaceful scene, but could benefit from a more consistent rhythm and rhyme scheme, as well as clearer and more fitting language.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Leslie

Tue, 2024-02-27 04:37

Mark...

Thank you for your comments. It felt good to receive such positive unconditional regard. If you can help me with an idea to improve clarity I would appreciate it.

The power of our language can and will change the world.
Successively until our languages become one!

author comment

Leslie

Tue, 2024-02-27 06:38

Mark

I was adopted at 17 months and this is how my mom descrided it. No sound only crocodile tears. She told me that she had to teach me how to cry again after being in fostercare for 17 months. I'm going to make one more revision which may personalize and clarify. I was very blessed!

The power of our language can and will change the world.
Successively until our languages become one!

author comment

Lavender

Tue, 2024-02-27 17:08