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Victory!

Submitted by Leslie on Sun, 2023-09-03 22:54

Helplessly falling,the blues had come calling
once again in her life.
No one to guide her, to simply stand by her.
In desperation she cried out.
But with patience she'd won as she stood
in the sun!
After many long years she was vìctor.
As she ran with her might into glorious ĺight
no longer would fear tell her future.

Review Request (Intensity): 
Please use care (this is a sensitive subject for me, do not critique harshly)
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
I don't know how to relate the pilgrimage of mental illness.
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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neopoet

Mon, 2023-09-04 05:00

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Victory!" demonstrates a strong narrative arc, moving from a place of despair and loneliness to triumph and liberation. The use of language and imagery effectively conveys this journey. However, there are several areas where the poem could be improved.

Firstly, the rhythm of the poem seems inconsistent. While the first line has a rhythmic flow due to the use of internal rhyme ("falling," "calling"), this rhythm is not sustained throughout the rest of the poem. Consistent rhythm can enhance the reading experience and make the poem more memorable.

Secondly, the poem could benefit from more specific and concrete imagery. While phrases like "stood in the sun" and "ran with her might into glorious light" are evocative, they are also somewhat abstract. Using more concrete imagery can help the reader to better visualize the scene and connect with the poem on a deeper level.

Lastly, the poem's punctuation could be improved. The use of commas seems somewhat arbitrary, which can disrupt the flow of the poem. For example, the comma after "once again in her life" seems unnecessary. On the other hand, the lack of punctuation at the end of the line "In desperation she cried out" makes it unclear whether this line is meant to be read as a separate sentence or as a continuation of the previous line.

In conclusion, while the poem effectively conveys a narrative of triumph over adversity, it could be improved by maintaining a consistent rhythm, using more specific imagery, and improving the punctuation.

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