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THE UNSEEN

Submitted by Alex Tanner on Thu, 2023-09-07 14:35

Why can nobody see her?
She's crouched right over there
Hunched over, cold, forsaken,
Alone by the moving stairs.

Forgotten, cold, hungry,
Gut wrenching despair.
She rocks to and fro as silent tears flow.
At the foot of the moving stairs.

Where has she come from, does anyone care?
What terrors have driven her grief and despair?
Does nobody see her, does nobody care
That she's lost and forsook at the foot of the stairs?

Still the people rush by, too selfish to care
Or to see that sad soul at the foot of the stairs
Condem her they will, without knowing why
Or to question the reasons she rocks and she cries.

And if she should die there what would you do?
Ignore her cold body, forget that you knew
A child of us all so frail, so sad.
Driven by grief till she felt she was mad.

Still nobody sees her
Though she lies over there,
Getting colder by the minute.
Will nobody care?

Review Request (Intensity):

I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Last few words:

I have had great difficulty getting this done. I'm still not happy but need some input as I've become stuck on how to go to improve it.

Editing stage:

Editing - rough draft

Contest:

September 2023 Challenge Write about being invisible

Content level:

Not Explicit Content

Comments

Lavender

Fri, 2023-09-08 14:51

The Unseen

Hi, Alan,
An extremely moving poem that speaks to all of us. The irony in your title hits the mark. When reading, I can feel that she is someone's mother, sister, daughter, friend. The emotion in the poem is powerful, along with its message. If there is any suggestion I would give, it would be to tighten up the form a bit, see if there are any words that may come out and still leave the strong message intact. I noticed the word "care" is used quite a bit, which is the essence of the poem, but maybe chose a couple synonyms that reflect the same idea? Respect, concern, responsibility?
I see her very vividly...and I see myself watching her. Very eye-opening.
Thank you,
L

Alex Tanner

Sat, 2023-09-09 18:10

Thanks L

Thanks L. Very difficult to get this just as I want. The rhyme seems to vary throughout and I don't like that. Still. I have a week away from next weekend so a chance to edit several pieces. Thanks once again for your comments, always appreciated.

author comment

RoseBlack

Sun, 2023-09-10 09:32

Hi Alex

This poem hit differently for me as I was just witness to someone's tragic demise. Her situation was similar to the woman in your poem and even though she had a circle of family and friends, in the end, when she needed someone most, she was unseen. I know it is a work in progress for you but what you have done so far is emotional and pulls your reader in. Her story is one of tragedy but reminds us of just that, everyone has a story and not to judge them based on what you see. Well done!

~RoseBlack~

Alex Tanner

Mon, 2023-09-11 18:16

Hello Rose

Very difficult to get just right. L made some very valid points and I'll work on them. Before putting this one up I made several alterations, taking out words, replacing them and I may put some of them back. But it has to rhyme, I like poetry that rhymes. It seems to me, as an actor (retired) it can make a poem run slow or pound along like a train.
The idea for it came to me not so long ago as I left the local post office and a girl was sat by the post box. She seemed so alone and not very clean. To my shame I walked on with not very nice thoughts, I hope I may see her again and make an apology. Alex

author comment

Clentin

Tue, 2023-09-12 18:34

Alex,

Alex,
Loved your poem
Reminds us of what is so often invisible in this world.

Alex Tanner

Wed, 2023-09-13 06:39

Hello Clentin

Thank you Clentin. Alex

author comment

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THE UNSEEN