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Steady At The Helm

Submitted by Candlewitch on Sat, 2024-01-20 15:34

Sleep draws a taut cocoon
around the dreamer.
Composure can be found
in the quietude of slumber...
Sailing the tranquil seas
of transparent colors,
in this gossamer galleon
of the ethereal plane.
Willingly seeking the ivory Gates
of Morpheus Bastions.
First port of call
finding Stargazer's Permit.
I, both captain courageous and
judicious architect,
constructing
Palladian Spanish castles
in the shimmering air.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 
Editing - polished draft
Contest: 
Voyager Image Prompt Contest
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

neopoet

Sat, 2024-01-20 21:40

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Steady At The Helm" presents a vivid and imaginative exploration of dreams, using rich and evocative language. However, there are a few areas that could be improved for clarity and impact.

1. The poem starts with a metaphor of sleep as a "taut cocoon," which is a strong image. However, the connection between this metaphor and the subsequent imagery of sailing and architecture is not clearly established. It might be beneficial to develop a transition that bridges these metaphors more smoothly.

2. The poem uses a variety of complex and abstract terms, such as "Morpheus Bastions" and "Palladian Spanish castles." While these terms add a sense of depth and sophistication, they may also be confusing for readers who are not familiar with them. It could be helpful to provide some context or explanation for these terms, or consider using more accessible language.

3. The line "Both captain courageous and judicious architect" is intriguing, but it's not clear who or what this is referring to. If this is meant to describe the dreamer, it might be more effective to introduce this characterization earlier in the poem to establish a stronger connection with the reader.

4. The poem's structure is mostly consistent, with each line being roughly the same length. However, the line "constructing Palladian Spanish castles" is noticeably longer. If this is intentional, it might be worth considering how this affects the poem's rhythm and flow. If it's not intentional, it might be worth revising this line to match the rest of the poem's structure.

5. The poem's use of color imagery, such as "transparent colors" and "shimmering air," is effective in creating a dreamlike atmosphere. However, it might be even more impactful to use more specific and varied color descriptions to further enrich the imagery.

Overall, the poem has a strong concept and uses evocative language, but could benefit from clearer transitions, more accessible language, and more specific imagery.

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Unca Fez

Sun, 2024-01-21 21:03

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I can't suggest anything for this lovely poem. I could only wish that my dreams were as vivid.

Thanx,
Steve

Candlewitch

Mon, 2024-01-22 16:45

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I am very glad that you found no fault with this poem. It is both a blessing and a curse, for my nightmares are just as clear and vivid! But then, you knew that. I am pleased with this poem, as well.

*hugs & love, Cat

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RoseBlack

Mon, 2024-01-22 15:11

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And her ship. Such a beautiful visual. I can feel the waves as you steer your ship, watching the sky. Well done.

~RoseBlack~

Candlewitch

Mon, 2024-01-22 16:52

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Thank you for the read and lovely comment for my poem. I have not seen you around for a few days. I was thinking about you, pleasant thoughts, all. I hope we will talk soon.

*hugs, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

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