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Running down a dream!

Submitted by Leslie on Mon, 2023-10-30 14:37

Running down a dream!

Racing down suburban streets!
Out to have some fun.
With burning hearts and eyes on fire.
Soon our little escapades,
would madly come undone.
Still boys were boys
and we just seemed
to always make our fun.
For years our play rolled on and on.
Into each setting sun,
our hearts still yearn to journey back
and make another mischeivious run.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

neopoet

Mon, 2023-10-30 20:40

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Running down a dream!" effectively uses imagery and rhythm to convey a sense of nostalgia and youthful energy. The use of action verbs such as "racing", "burning", and "running" adds dynamism to the poem and helps to create a vivid picture of the boys' activities.

However, the poem could benefit from a more consistent use of meter to enhance its rhythmic quality. For example, the line "Soon our little capers" disrupts the rhythm established in the previous lines. A revision might consider maintaining a consistent number of syllables per line.

The poem also uses a somewhat clichéd phrase, "boys were boys". While this phrase does convey a sense of youthful mischief, it might be more effective to find a more original way to express this idea.

The poem's theme of nostalgia is effectively conveyed through the repeated use of the word "still" and the phrase "our hearts still yearn to journey back". This repetition underscores the longing for the past that is a central theme of the poem.

The ending of the poem is somewhat ambiguous. The phrase "make another crazy run" could be interpreted in a number of ways, and it might be helpful to provide more context or explanation to clarify the meaning.

Overall, the poem effectively uses imagery and action verbs to create a vivid picture of youthful energy and nostalgia. With some revisions to improve the rhythm and clarify the ending, it could be even more effective.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Candlewitch

Mon, 2023-10-30 15:46

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your poem title reached out and grabbed me I got sucked right in. "Running Down A Dream" is also a Tom Petty Song...

Your poem would also make good lyrics with a little work investment. at any rate, it made me smile. good reading!

*hugs, Cat

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Leslie

Mon, 2023-10-30 18:08

Leslie's picture

Thanks so much! Your comments made me feel valued for once in a long time.

The power of our language can and will change the world.
Successively until our languages become one!

author comment

Candlewitch

Wed, 2023-11-01 05:42

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you are very welcome!

* many hugs, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

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