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ODE TO MY FATHER

They say time waits for no man; I believe this is untrue.
As time waited far too long, to see the end of you.
I’d like to think you’re scorching, and toasting on a pyre.
If that is my weakness Dad, you forged me in your fire.

If you’d have been a better man, let’s pretend a loving parent,
Would your family choose to find you, any less abhorrent?
The truth is Dad I don’t care, I always found you worthless.
Excuses made no sense, when fists, were used as ruthless.

Inmates before a firing squad, dressed in their night clothes,
Ready aim take fire, unfit punishment, and hatred grows.
Your reviled intimidation and the fist of iron rule,
Inflicting injuries on children, concealed fakery, you were cruel.

Now here’s the punch line of this tale, I hope it strikes you hardest.
Mum so distant from you, she will shine on us as stardust.
I really hope you’re happy Dad, squatting in the devil’s ashes.
Waiting for your Satan, and his forty thousand lashes.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
I hope your dad was better than mine. My dad was an absolute shit as expressed clearly in my loving words and with my humour.
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

Title: ODE TO MY FATHER

In this poem, the speaker addresses their complex relationship with their father, touching upon themes of abuse, resentment, and the desire for retribution. The poem effectively conveys the speaker's emotions and experiences, but there are some areas where improvements can be made to enhance the clarity and impact of the message.

1. Structure and rhyme scheme: The poem is structured in four quatrains with an AABB rhyme scheme. However, the rhythm is not consistent throughout the poem, which can make it difficult for the reader to follow. To improve the flow, consider revising the lines to maintain a more consistent rhythm.

2. Imagery and metaphor: The poem uses strong imagery and metaphors, such as "scorching, and toasting on a pyre" and "Mum so distant from you, she will shine on us as stardust." These images effectively convey the speaker's emotions and the intensity of their experiences. However, some metaphors, such as "Inmates before a firing squad, dressed in night clothes," might be difficult for readers to understand. Consider revising or providing more context to clarify the intended meaning.

3. Punctuation and grammar: There are some punctuation and grammar inconsistencies in the poem, which can be distracting for the reader. For example, in the line "If that is my weakness Dad, you forged me in your fire?", the question mark seems unnecessary. Additionally, the line "Excuses made no sense, when fists, were used so ruthless." would be clearer if written as "Excuses made no sense when fists were used so ruthlessly." Review the poem for similar issues and make revisions as needed.

4. Tone: The poem's tone is predominantly dark and resentful, which effectively conveys the speaker's emotions. However, the line "Now here’s the punch line of this tale, I hope it strikes you hardest." introduces a more casual tone that may not align with the rest of the poem. Consider revising this line to maintain a consistent tone throughout.

By addressing these suggestions, the poem can be refined to more effectively convey the speaker's emotions and experiences, creating a more powerful and impactful reading experience.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Okay Bot, 3. thanks for pointing out my punctuation and grammar errors, I've sorted these. Except if I change ruthless to ruthlessly as per your suggestion, it will change the rhyme, so that's a no.
4. However, the line "Now here’s the punch line of this tale, I hope it strikes you hardest." introduces a more casual tone that may not align with the rest of the poem. You don't understand irony and you don't see imagery in the same way a human does. This isn't casual. I use the words, punch, strikes and hardest, all implying the use of fists.
1. I have revised parts of the flow as per your limited but general suggestion.
2. Imagery and metaphor. I don't think the line you picked would be difficult to understand, but you make me think that it is difficult for you to understand which is possible as you have a limited human experience.

Give and grow - let's raise our verses together. I'm happy to comment on your work and appreciate a comment on mine.

author comment

I hope, and have a strong feeling that this was cathartic in a Fu@k you sorta way;
also hope he got his comeuppance, though, I doubt he ever did.

Cheers, love.

Obi.

Thanks Obi. In some ways cathartic but knowing I'll never have the chance, to tell him what I thought of him, that's a little harder. See turn that frown upside down and all that. Ruby :)

Give and grow - let's raise our verses together. I'm happy to comment on your work and appreciate a comment on mine.

author comment

a father who was less than ideal, and doing some things that destroyed a lot of my childhood, I can agree with all of what you have expressed here. I understand the anger, and hope that someday, you can overcome it and dismiss its hold on you.
This does seem cathartic, and I hope that it affords you some relief. I really enjoyed the rhyming and think that it affords a good hard beat to emphasize the dark and serious nature of the whole thing. Couplets are not so easy for some, but you seem to have chosen just the right words in addition to making the couplets. Well done! ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Thank you Geezer, you're too kind. Cathartic, yes, but like I said to Obi, it's not forgotten, I doubt it ever will be.
Ruby :)

Give and grow - let's raise our verses together. I'm happy to comment on your work and appreciate a comment on mine.

author comment

Although no kid escapes childhood without some damage from parents, most of us, eventually, have a good relationship with our parents. However, I've seen the scars that a parent can leave when they are truly abusive. For my wife, it was her mother that was the bad actor. When I read your poem, I could hear her telling of the incidents from her childhood. From what I can tell, no amount of catharsis can erase the pain that was caused by her mother, even though she is long dead.

I hope it helps to write about it and to have friends with a sympathetic ear.

Thanx,
Steve

Thank you Steve. Yes I found writing this poem has afforded me the distance I needed. I won't forget it, but that is because of the impact it had on two of my siblings and their mental health/addictions as they grew up.
Having friends with sympathetic ears helps the most, thank you. Ruby :) xx

Give and grow - let's raise our verses together. I'm happy to comment on your work and appreciate a comment on mine.

author comment

I wish this had been written by me about my mother, a harpy from hell. I found the beauty in your words and lines, as well as the anger. your poetry is one of my favorites. my mother asked me to forgive her for all the terrible things she did to me. I lied...and gave her peace. I am still unable to forgive her and it has about twenty years since her passing. I felt such a profound pity for her, as she was such a wretched creature at the end.

* respectfully, Cat & eddy styx

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Hi Cat,
mine never apologised, but I never expected him to. I know what it's like to have hateful parent, and I know how hard a time you had throughout you mother's life. I was lucky, I escaped, left home and went to live in another county. That distance made a great difference to me.

I can understand why you lied, I probably would have done the same, but he didn't have the opportunity to ask for anyones forgiveness.

Take care and keep writing, you always write great poems, I am very honoured by what you said about my poem, thank you xx Ruby :)

Give and grow - let's raise our verses together. I'm happy to comment on your work and appreciate a comment on mine.

author comment
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