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Moving on?

Submitted by Leslie on Wed, 2023-09-06 06:03

My last purpose and thoughts
were to stand in the sun,
but as travesty unraveled
I simply fell refusing to run.
No longer dwelling on the past
nor delving into the future.
Sufficient unto the day
was the evil thereof,
dark days had fallen .
My hopes had come undone,
but notwithstanding all of this
the moment had come.
Would I rise from my knees
and walk into the sun?
Or would or would I sit wait
having been stung.

Review Request (Intensity):

Please use care (this is a sensitive subject for me, do not critique harshly)

Review Request (Direction):

What did you think of my title?

How was my language use?

How does this theme appeal to you?

Is the internal logic consistent?

Last few words:

I'm sure that I could use help. Please respond politely.

Editing stage:

Editing - rough draft

Content level:

Not Explicit Content

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Comments

neopoet

Wed, 2023-09-06 12:04

Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Moving on?" presents a narrative of struggle and potential redemption. The use of imagery, such as "stand in the sun" and "dark days had fallen", helps to create a vivid emotional landscape. However, the poem could benefit from a more consistent rhythm and rhyme scheme to enhance its musicality and flow.

The poem's theme of overcoming adversity is clear, but the narrative could be more effectively developed. The transition from "dark days had fallen" to "the moment had come" feels abrupt. Providing more context or detail about this turning point could make the narrative more compelling.

The phrase "Sufficient unto the day was the evil thereof" is somewhat difficult to interpret. If this line is intended to be a key turning point in the poem, it may be beneficial to rephrase it in a way that is more accessible to the reader.

The question at the end of the poem, "would I rise from my knees and walk into the sun?", effectively leaves the reader with a sense of anticipation. However, the poem could benefit from a stronger build-up to this question to make it more impactful.

Finally, the poem could benefit from more varied sentence structure. Most of the lines in the poem are similar in length and structure, which can make the poem feel monotonous. Varying sentence structure can help to keep the reader engaged and emphasize key points in the poem.

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Lavender

Wed, 2023-09-06 14:57

Moving On

Hello, AN,
Very intriguing language. I get the feeling of being stuck in a non-satisfactory place in life, needing to move on, but not knowing how to be brave enough to do it. I do have a suggestion that may help the reader to understand the poem's message more clearly - at least for me. I noticed you used some caps and some punctuation. Perhaps use both throughout the entire poem? It would separate the thoughts a bit better.
Thank you, and I'll return!
L

Leslie

Fri, 2023-09-08 15:56