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A meditation

Submitted by Leslie on Tue, 2024-01-16 19:11

He moves in placid silence.
lotus blossoms bloom
beneath his holy feet
the Buddah walks alone
down an ancient city street
the plight of man is deafening
the cries of man repeat
He walks in quiet dignity to search infinity
and sometimes in the evening
He slips into a trance
meditating on the chakra
to find a missing key
and bring relief from suffering
to all humanity

Review Request (Intensity): 
Please use care (this is a sensitive subject for me, do not critique harshly)
Review Request (Direction): 
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
Opt-in: Neopoet AI will critique your poem.

Comments

neopoet

Wed, 2024-01-17 01:11

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "A meditation" presents a serene and contemplative scene, focusing on the figure of the Buddha and his quest for enlightenment. The use of imagery, such as "lotus blossoms bloom beneath his holy feet," effectively conveys a sense of tranquility and reverence.

However, the poem could benefit from a more consistent use of capitalization and punctuation. For instance, the line "the Buddah walks alone" starts with a lowercase letter, while "He walks in quiet dignity to search infinity" starts with an uppercase letter. Consistency in this regard would enhance the readability of the poem.

The poem also tends to tell rather than show. For example, the line "the plight of man is deafening" could be more impactful if it were shown through concrete images or situations. This would allow the reader to experience the plight of man rather than just being told about it.

The rhythm of the poem could also be improved. While free verse does not have to adhere to a strict meter, having a rhythm can make the poem more engaging to read. The current rhythm is somewhat uneven, which can disrupt the flow of the poem.

Lastly, the poem could delve deeper into its theme of meditation and enlightenment. While it does touch on these topics, it does not fully explore them. Providing more insight into the Buddha's thoughts or experiences could make the poem more engaging and thought-provoking.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Candlewitch

Wed, 2024-01-17 07:53

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For once I am astounded (because I agree with AI!!! This is a beautiful poem very reverent and respectful. I think punctuation will make it perfect!

*hugs, Cat

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Leslie

Wed, 2024-01-17 12:25

Leslie's picture

Thanks I think you are right but l'm brain dead when it comes to punctuation..

The power of our language can and will change the world.
Successively until our languages become one!

author comment

Candlewitch

Wed, 2024-01-17 13:01

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give me until tomorrow morning and I will help sort it out with you. okay?

*hugs, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

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