Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

The Last Soldier

Submitted by Depressed 1 on Sat, 2023-07-29 01:50

He fought valiant for his country and his King

Now on a battlefield to his life, he does cling

Yells for his Mother, thinks of a love long ago

As his tears into bloody mud begin to flow

The heavy cold rain falls from the dark skies

Hits him like bullets where; he now lies

Everything has been taken; nothing gained

Loved ones will mourn his earthly remains

He knows he will soon be part of the Earth

Where he will no longer pain or can be hurt

Only a simple marker to mark where he fell

As he draws his last breath and turns pale

Around him, everywhere, death it does lie

He hopes he will be the last soldier ever to die

Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
Opt-in: Neopoet AI will critique your poem.

Comments

neopoet

Sat, 2023-07-29 07:50

neopoet's picture
Volunteer badge

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

It is not feasible to offer feedback.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Ruby Lord

Sat, 2023-07-29 05:44

Ruby Lord's picture

I enjoyed your poem, if that is the right word?
There is a repeat of the word marker and mark very close together.

"Only a simple marker to mark where he fell"
You could replace the mark with, spot, a sign, the place, the dirt, etc.

I'd use a thesaurus to see if you can find a better fit, there are plenty available online. I use WordHippo if that helps?
Your last line makes your poem all the more memorable as it gives the impact I think you were looking for and which you have achieved. Ruby :)

Commenting on poetry builds community, confidence, and comprehension. :)

Depressed 1

Sat, 2023-07-29 06:53

Depressed 1's picture

Thanks Ruby

https://www.artofelpaso.com/

author comment

Alex Tanner

Sat, 2023-07-29 07:03

Alex Tanner's picture

A powerful piece I think. I reckon the impact could be stronger, like a punch to face, by taking out several words and making subtle alterations which would tighten it up. Alex

Depressed 1

Sun, 2023-07-30 05:20

Depressed 1's picture

Thanks Alex

https://www.artofelpaso.com/

author comment
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.