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The Last Soldier

Submitted by Depressed 1 on Sat, 2023-07-29 01:50

He fought valiant for his country and his King

Now on a battlefield to his life, he does cling

Yells for his Mother, thinks of a love long ago

As his tears into bloody mud begin to flow

The heavy cold rain falls from the dark skies

Hits him like bullets where; he now lies

Everything has been taken; nothing gained

Loved ones will mourn his earthly remains

He knows he will soon be part of the Earth

Where he will no longer pain or can be hurt

Only a simple marker to mark where he fell

As he draws his last breath and turns pale

Around him, everywhere, death it does lie

He hopes he will be the last soldier ever to die

Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

neopoet

Sat, 2023-07-29 07:50

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Ruby Lord

Sat, 2023-07-29 05:44

Ruby Lord's picture

I enjoyed your poem, if that is the right word?
There is a repeat of the word marker and mark very close together.

"Only a simple marker to mark where he fell"
You could replace the mark with, spot, a sign, the place, the dirt, etc.

I'd use a thesaurus to see if you can find a better fit, there are plenty available online. I use WordHippo if that helps?
Your last line makes your poem all the more memorable as it gives the impact I think you were looking for and which you have achieved. Ruby :)

Give and grow - let's raise our verses together. I'm happy to comment on your work and appreciate a comment on mine.

Depressed 1

Sat, 2023-07-29 06:53

Depressed 1's picture

Thanks Ruby

https://www.artofelpaso.com/

author comment

Alex Tanner

Sat, 2023-07-29 07:03

Alex Tanner's picture

A powerful piece I think. I reckon the impact could be stronger, like a punch to face, by taking out several words and making subtle alterations which would tighten it up. Alex

Depressed 1

Sun, 2023-07-30 05:20

Depressed 1's picture

Thanks Alex

https://www.artofelpaso.com/

author comment
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