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Kindergarten

Submitted by Leslie on Sat, 2024-03-09 19:38

Children gleefully
walk to school,
with yellow umbrellas
and raincoats too.
Skipping round corners
of cobblestone paths,
Miss James calls out!
To welcome her class
They've come here to learn
a thing or two
but life has lessons,
to teach them too
as shame is divied,
to the innocent few
I'd run home crying
from my first day at school

Review Request (Intensity):

I appreciate moderate constructive criticism

Review Request (Direction):

What did you think of my title?

How was my language use?

How does this theme appeal to you?

Is the internal logic consistent?

Last few words:

I know or hope that this is not typical, but I dreaded everyday of elementary school.

Editing stage:

Editing - rough draft

Content level:

Not Explicit Content

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Comments

neopoet

Sun, 2024-03-10 01:40

Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem, "Kindergarten," effectively uses vivid imagery and rhythm to create a scene of children going to school. However, there are a few areas that could be improved for clarity and impact.

First, the poem could benefit from more consistent punctuation. For example, the line "They've come to learn, the tempo is mild." might be clearer if it were separated into two sentences or connected with a conjunction.

Second, the transition from the joyful beginning to the darker ending is abrupt. The poem might have a stronger emotional impact if there were more hints of the coming sadness earlier in the poem. This could be achieved through foreshadowing or a gradual shift in tone.

Lastly, the poem's message about the harsh realities of life could be more effectively conveyed with more specific imagery. Instead of stating "When shame upon their backs is thrown," the poem could show a specific instance of a child experiencing shame. This would make the poem's message more concrete and impactful.

Overall, the poem has a strong foundation and with some revisions, it could be even more powerful.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Lavender

Sun, 2024-03-10 23:14

Kindergarten

Hello, Leslie,
I am really intrigued with this piece. So delightful, and full of good energy until it switches to the shame being thrown upon their backs - such a strong change in the feeling of the poem. I know the message in the poem regards life's hardships and lessons learned. It is jarring, and I'm sure intentionally so. I am curious to learn a little more about your feelings with this one. I'll be back after you respond.
Thank you!
L

Leslie

Mon, 2024-03-11 02:18

Lavender

I have carried guilt my whole life. It exists but I cannot point to one reason. You just end up dealing with it, developing a strong mind. Using your environment for cues to circumvent problems. One day at twenty I felt such an intense feeling of guilt that I cried out "I don't want to feel this way anymore" and at that point it dissappeared. At first I felt like I must have done something very wrong, but I didn't know what it was. Now I have a different way to fight that feeling. It is called desensitization, a general
kind of therapy that I created myself. Which includes positive self talk and thought control in which I cause my brain to obey
my inner self or mind, but there are weak spots that are controlled with medications. There are other elements that I cannot
control as well such as mania and depression. I apologize if this is too much information. My only desire is to illuminate the lonely path called mental illness for everyone affected!

The power of our language can and will change the world.
Successively until our languages become one!

author comment

Lavender

Mon, 2024-03-11 10:36

Thank you, Leslie,

for explaining this a little further to me. I like the revisions you've made. Your poetry helps all of us who read it.
Thank you,
L

Candlewitch

Fri, 2024-03-22 08:56

Dear Leslie,

It is a great explanation! I am mentally and emotionally impaired as well.

*hugs, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Leslie

Fri, 2024-03-22 09:02

Kindergarten!

All tooooo true! Thanks for your respons!

The power of our language can and will change the world.
Successively until our languages become one!

author comment

Neopoet

Kindergarten