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Justice and Injustice!

Submitted by Leslie on Wed, 2023-11-15 23:47

A fire burned on the hill that night!
Shots rang out and flames burned bright.
Moses cried as he held his son.
Who was found in the arms of the slaver’s wife.
He sat there weeping in the dark.
Haunting memories swept through his mind.
Fear and anger filled his eyes.
There was no balm for him that night.
To quell the fire, he felt inside.
His son lay dead. His heart was broken.
He started for the old plantation.
Across the crick and through the door.
He made it to the master's quarters.
When once therein he drew a knife
and thrust it in not thinking twice.
He made his way back down the stair.
To find the white hoods waiting there.

Review Request (Intensity):

Please use care (this is a sensitive subject for me, do not critique harshly)

Editing stage:

Editing - rough draft

Content level:

Not Explicit Content

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Comments

neopoet

Thu, 2023-11-16 05:50

Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Justice and Injustice!" presents a narrative that seems to revolve around themes of conflict, injustice, and personal struggle. The use of vivid imagery, such as "A fire burned on the hill that night" and "Shots rang out and flames burned bright", effectively sets a dramatic and tense atmosphere.

However, the poem could benefit from more clarity in its narrative. For instance, the relationship between Moses and the slaver's wife is not clearly defined. The line "He was found in the arms of the slaver’s wife" could be interpreted in various ways, which may confuse the reader.

The poem also explores the character's internal conflict, particularly in the lines "Would he be found within the right, Or give up all for anger, pride." This is a strong moment in the poem as it presents a moral dilemma. However, the resolution of this conflict in the lines "but Moses stood on holy ground. And walked away without a sound." seems abrupt. Expanding on this part could provide a more satisfying resolution.

Lastly, the poem could benefit from a more consistent rhythm and rhyme scheme. This would help to enhance the musicality of the poem and make it more engaging to read.

Overall, the poem has a strong thematic focus and uses vivid imagery, but could benefit from a clearer narrative, a more developed resolution, and a consistent rhythm and rhyme scheme.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Ruby Lord

Thu, 2023-11-16 08:33

I liked the changes you made

I liked the changes you made in the poem, it has improved my understanding.
There is a little bit of repetition at the start by using the word burned in the opening 2 lines, but I am prone to being a pedant.
It is a far stronger poem now, and has more depth and meaning as you have revealed more of the story for the reader. Good job, Ruby :) xx

Give and grow - let's raise our verses together. I'm happy to comment on your work and appreciate a comment on mine.

Leslie

Thu, 2023-11-16 08:56