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I once asked God?

Submitted by Leslie on Sun, 2023-11-26 23:50

I once asked God?

I once asked God, how far can you see?
With a puzzled look he glanced down at me.
Come along now and we will see.
Where God and men began to be.
Then through the night he lead me along,
making our way past the heavenly throngs
When what with my wondering eyes did I see
Scintillating pools of pure energy.
We ventured further into the night
To discover the first striking of eternal light
But what I saw I found hard to believe
There were others there doing the same things.
Propagating worlds in glory and majesty
There was no end, as far as I could see
To the human race, to God’s family
Worlds without end, throughout eternity!

Review Request (Intensity): 
Please use care (this is a sensitive subject for me, do not critique harshly)
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
This isn't at all meant to be preachy. More of a theme expressing my personal beliefs. Thanks to whoever reads it.
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

neopoet

Mon, 2023-11-27 05:50

neopoet's picture
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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "I once asked God?" presents a fascinating exploration of divinity, humanity, and the cosmos. However, there are areas where clarity and structure could be improved to enhance the overall impact of the poem.

1. The poem could benefit from a more consistent rhyme scheme. The first four lines follow an AABB pattern, but this is not maintained throughout the rest of the poem. Consistency in rhyme scheme can help to create a rhythm that makes the poem more engaging and easier to read.

2. The use of punctuation is somewhat inconsistent. For example, the first line ends with a question mark, but the second line does not, even though it is also a question. Consistent punctuation can help to guide the reader through the poem and clarify the intended meaning.

3. The narrative of the poem is somewhat unclear. The speaker begins by asking God a question, but it's not clear what the answer to that question is. The poem might benefit from a clearer narrative arc that guides the reader through the speaker's journey and provides a satisfying conclusion.

4. The imagery in the poem is evocative, but at times it is a bit vague. For example, the phrase "Scintillating pools of pure energy" is intriguing, but it's not clear what this is meant to represent. More specific imagery could help to create a more vivid picture in the reader's mind.

5. The poem's theme of the infinite nature of God's creation is a powerful one, but it could be developed further. The speaker observes "others there doing the same things" and "worlds without end, throughout eternity," but it's not clear what the significance of these observations is. Expanding on this theme could add depth to the poem and make it more thought-provoking for the reader.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Leslie

Mon, 2023-11-27 13:16

Leslie's picture

My deficit in rhyme comes from an inadequate vocabulary,
but I can work on it as well as my punctuation. The question
addressed to God was a rhetorical question such as, which
came first the chicken or the egg? Such a question most probably
could be answered by God alone. It really wasn't my intent
to make a religious statement. The poem is merely my
conjecture and the question really cannot be answered.

The power of our language can and will change the world.
Successively until our languages become one!

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