Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

HOT SUMMER NIGHTS

Submitted by Ruby Lord on Tue, 2023-08-08 14:03

Moonflower

Dusk lowers blind of darkness over earth,
No sleep lays here, heat at furnace levels.
Night creatures sing for shadow worlds rebirth,
Slow, the Moonflower opens her petals.

Blooms spread full, as night extends its plea,
Dusk’s gentle touch, lover’s kiss in delight.
Creatures seeking nectar, the hidden key,
Winged carriers lace life throughout the night.

For new life will form deep within a seed,
Birth arrives in dust of pollen showers,
Couple, entwined, hope springs eternal need,
to create life, in natures ink-stained hours.

Yet, absent sleep begs not for impatience,
as heat scratches deeper into surface,
And new life, conceived in passions cadence,
they yield to their intended purpose.

Behind closed lids, recalling shorter days,
They perform a score, of mystic harmony.
Notes released in pitch, as perfection plays,
And in high sky, rise stars of mercury.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
Do you feel as if I have created a connection between the Moonflower and the couple in bed? Is my intention, being occupied by creating new life clearly understood? Ruby :)
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Contest: 
Hot Summer Nights
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
Opt-in: Neopoet AI will critique your poem.

Comments

neopoet

Tue, 2023-08-08 20:03

neopoet's picture
Volunteer badge

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "HOT SUMMER NIGHTS" demonstrates a strong command of imagery and metaphor, creating a vivid scene of a hot summer night. The use of personification, such as "Night lowers her blind of darkness on the earth," adds depth to the poem and helps to engage the reader's imagination.

However, the poem's structure could benefit from more consistency. The rhyme scheme is irregular, which can disrupt the flow of the poem. Establishing a regular rhyme scheme or pattern could enhance the poem's rhythm and make it more engaging for the reader.

Additionally, the poem's theme could be more clearly defined. While the poem seems to explore themes of nature, life, and intimacy, these themes could be more effectively tied together to create a more cohesive narrative or message.

Lastly, the poem's language is generally effective, but some phrases, such as "powdered wings, they fly to the next collector," could be clarified to ensure the reader fully understands the intended meaning.

Overall, the poem demonstrates a strong command of language and imagery, but could benefit from a more consistent structure, a clearer theme, and some clarification of language.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Triskelion

Wed, 2023-08-09 02:16

Triskelion's picture
Volunteer badge

...not sure if it is what you intended, but once I read that, the entire rest of the poem was like nothing. Did you intend it to be raunchy?...you don't have to answer that...dang...I don't mean to offend you..it just reads like that to me..ehh. apologies

Thomas

.
.

...so like my lost dreams...the flood

Ruby Lord

Wed, 2023-08-09 04:56

Ruby Lord's picture

Ha ha, no, thank you for your comment, I wanted to tie the act of pollentation to human reproduction but now that you've said it I can see how it could be received as being vulgar and very far from what I was actually trying to say.

Thank you for making your comment it's a great help and I prefer that you speak out rather than leave me here not understanding where I went wrong. I'll rewrite the second stanza. You made a valid comment and I appreciate it. Ruby :) xx

Give and grow - let's raise our verses together. I'm happy to comment on your work and appreciate a comment on mine.

author comment

Lavender

Wed, 2023-08-09 19:11

Lavender's picture
Volunteer badge

Hello, Ruby,
The description of the Moonflower and the action surrounding it is vivid and I very much like the imagery there. Beautiful. I'm not feeling an easy flow to the couple, though. Not certain I would have understood the connection had you not stated it in your last few words. So sorry, I'm without a suggestion right now, but I'll be back to read again!
L

Ruby Lord

Thu, 2023-08-10 11:36

Ruby Lord's picture

Thank you Lavender, I have worked on it again, I hope it will appear clearer or maybe it's just my mind? Great comments, depsite my lack of explanation. Ruby :) xx

Give and grow - let's raise our verses together. I'm happy to comment on your work and appreciate a comment on mine.

author comment

Triskelion

Thu, 2023-08-10 01:54

Triskelion's picture
Volunteer badge

...maybe it's because the act of pollination requires a third party (moths, bees, etc.) in most flowering plants, it just seems to miss the parallel. Now, if you had a couple moonflowers going at it in the light of the moon, you might really have something!

Ehh...I still can't get my head out of the gutter when I read that 2nd stanza. I won't comment on it anymore. I admire your perseverance, though.

Thomas

.
.

...so like my lost dreams...the flood

Ruby Lord

Thu, 2023-08-10 06:35

Ruby Lord's picture

Thanks Thomas, I hope I've taken your mind out of the gutter, as I've changed the second stanza and tightened up parts of the poem. If you're still down there, I don't know what else to do to raise you, ooops did I do it again?

Thank you for your patience, you have been extremely helpful and you've made this poem more than it was by challenging me, thank you so much Ruby :) xx

Give and grow - let's raise our verses together. I'm happy to comment on your work and appreciate a comment on mine.

author comment

Triskelion

Thu, 2023-08-10 10:01

Triskelion's picture
Volunteer badge

...someone else will chime in here, either validating or negating my sad interpretation.lol. I understand perfectly what your goal is, but I just can't make the connection just for that simple fact I described... anyway, I will revisit this one later, as I often do with interesting poems like the ones you write and thank you for your understanding.
Dang, where's Geezer when you need him...lol

Sincerely: Thomas

.
.

...so like my lost dreams...the flood

Ruby Lord

Thu, 2023-08-10 11:11

Ruby Lord's picture

I think Geezer's busy writing fabulous poetry. Ruby :)

Give and grow - let's raise our verses together. I'm happy to comment on your work and appreciate a comment on mine.

author comment
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.