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Home

I enter, fear
crawling
on my skin
As curiosity
whispers
Stay a while
Perplexed, I
Sit on the couch

I can see the sun
Bowing its head
As a calm voice
Asks how I am?
Puzzled, I
Say, I guess okay

The old man in
The recliner says
Are you really?
His stare
Filled with empathy
As his wrinkled hands
Held my shoulder

His embrace
Spilled my troubles
Until I filled
Every empty bottle
On his bar

I asked can I stay
He replied
with open arms,
A smile that
Imprisoned darkness

I asked, where was I?
He said this is where
judgment is exiled,
Pain is a bad dream

Am I daydreaming,
This just can’t be
He smiled as
He headed to
Another

I pondered
Where is this place
Around the corner
Or am I home

Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
Opt-in: Neopoet AI will critique your poem.

Comments

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Home" presents a narrative journey of the speaker finding a place of comfort and acceptance, which is a compelling concept. However, there are areas in the poem that could benefit from further development and clarity.

The first stanza sets a tone of unease with the phrases "Fear crawling" and "curiosity whispers". However, the source of this fear and curiosity is not clearly articulated. Providing more context or imagery here could help the reader better understand the speaker's initial emotional state.

The dialogue in the poem is a powerful tool for character development, but the characters themselves could be more fully realized. The man in the recliner, for instance, plays a significant role in the poem but lacks distinctive characteristics. Developing this character more could enhance the emotional impact of the poem.

The poem also uses a lot of abstract language, particularly in the latter half. Phrases like "a friend for the nights that seemed like years" are evocative, but they could be grounded in more concrete imagery. This would help the reader to more fully engage with the speaker's experiences and emotions.

The poem's structure could also benefit from more consistency. The line lengths vary greatly, which can disrupt the poem's rhythm. Establishing a more consistent rhythm could enhance the flow of the poem and make it more engaging to read.

Lastly, the poem's conclusion could be more impactful. The final line "I call it home" is a powerful statement, but it could be set up more effectively. Providing more build-up to this revelation could make the conclusion more satisfying for the reader.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

I do not usually agree with the AI function. In this case I think it has some good suggestions. I did enjoy your poem. I must have been a long road Home. It is nice to see you posting your poems more often.

*hugs, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

for stopping by

author comment

AI does not understand the difference but it does have good advice.
Let pictures come to your mind as you read it and show us those images using like or as (simile) or metafor. Those devices may be helpful.
Lastly AI does not understand what you are undertaking here.
Like I said it is a great rough for a first go and a free form you have not done in a long time.
Stay with it and expand for another adaptation of this rough.
Later my friend,

Mark
.
.
Read/Comment it's a win win
.
Communications are highly valued.
Be detailed using the contact form.
We who may help cannot see what you see or know what you know.

for your input and advice

author comment

Hello, Paul,
A healing, safe place. Probably temporary, but so significant. I really feel the bond and comfort. You may want to check a couple possessive words:

* this house is yours
* the world shut off its tv

I really enjoyed this. It has a warm, compassionate feel to it.
Thank you!
L

for stopping by

author comment
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