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Hidden

Submitted by Mini on Wed, 2024-07-03 05:46

In gloaming's stillness a
murmuration provokes
A hidden dream a secret purr
Mistress in the closet's keep
Where shadows lie and secrets
sleep

Her laughter a ghostly breeze
Softly moves through midnight
trees
Eyes stars in moonlit mist
Guarding tales by darkness kissed

A presence felt phantom light
Dances through the silent night
In obscurity penetrating
susurrations interweave
Quiet lore few dare believe

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Contest: 
07/24 Mistress in the Closet
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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neopoet

Wed, 2024-07-03 11:50

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Hidden" utilizes rich imagery and a variety of poetic devices to create a mysterious and ethereal atmosphere. The use of words such as "gloaming", "murmuration", "phantom", and "obscurity" contribute to this atmosphere, evoking a sense of the unknown and the supernatural.

However, the poem could benefit from a clearer thematic focus. While the mysterious and ethereal atmosphere is well established, it is unclear what the poem is ultimately trying to convey. Is it about the power of secrets, the allure of the unknown, or the beauty of the night? A clearer thematic focus would help to guide the reader's interpretation and enhance the overall impact of the poem.

Additionally, the poem's rhythm and meter could be more consistent. The irregular rhythm can be disorienting for the reader, making it difficult to follow the flow of the poem. A more consistent rhythm would enhance the musicality of the poem and make it more enjoyable to read.

Lastly, the poem's use of uncommon words and complex phrases, while contributing to its mysterious atmosphere, may also make it less accessible to some readers. Simplifying some of the language could help to make the poem more universally understandable, without sacrificing its atmospheric quality.

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