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Freedom
Ride a white Pegasus;
And shine your light;
Ride into the rage of war;
Like the deep blue ocean;
Sink your worries, fears and buried it;
Deep like treasures, secrets of the ocean.
Ride as a princess fierce and strong;
And shine your light;
And overcome;
With shimmering, shiny blades;
Shield yourself from this villain;
Shed away the darkest wounds;
Wounds that live and stay within;
Wounds that grow into the flesh;
Become like sores that bite the skin.
Ride a white Pegasus;
And soar high above the skies;
The pains have ceased;
The wounds have healed;
A new journey to embark on;
This affliction no more exists;
This person is free;
Free at last to live a life.
And spread her wings and fly.
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Region & Country
South Zone
Favorite Poets
Maya Angelou, Beau Taplin, Nelson Mandela, William Shakespeare, Lucy Maud Montgomery
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Comments
Warrior Princess
Mon, 2022-06-27 21:38
Kindly read and give feedback
Kindly read and give feedback to improve this poem. Thanks.
Candice Vitalien
"Keep glowing even if no one can see your light.
For among the hidden stars on the darkest night
Someone will look up and behold
The flickering hope; words untold;
Strength and Honour my Warriors! "
author commentCandlewitch
Wed, 2022-06-29 04:42
hello Warrior Princess...
welcome to Neopoet! it is very nice to meet you. I'm going to give you some suggestions to tighten up your poem. but it s your choice as you don't have to use them all or any.
Ride(as) a white Pegasus; (remove "as")
(The) person (was) free; (replace was with "is" and The with This)
yours is a compelling poem it reads very smoothly but you need to give it a better title. the body of your poem tells a story that is clear and concise. the beginning and ending are nice and crisp. (I like your user name and believe that women make exceptional warriors!) I look forward to reading more of your work...also, soon you will be reviewing and critiquing the rest of us Neopoets!
*warm smiles, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Warrior Princess
Thu, 2022-06-30 19:22
Thank you CandleWitch for
Thank you CandleWitch for taking a moment to read my poem. Your constructive comments and edits were indeed useful. Much thanks. I really would love the day when I can assist and critique poems it would be an honour.
Candice Vitalien
"Keep glowing even if no one can see your light.
For among the hidden stars on the darkest night
Someone will look up and behold
The flickering hope; words untold;
Strength and Honour my Warriors! "
author commentCandlewitch
Wed, 2022-06-29 04:39
p.s.
these are my favorite lines:
Ride as a princess fierce and strong;
And shine your light;
And overcome;
*
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Warrior Princess
Thu, 2022-06-30 19:18
Thank you for pointing out
Thank you Candllewitch for pointing out which lines resonated with you. In the title of the poem, I associate the Peguses as an animal being free and not trapped but having the power to overcome many battles hence that title was chosen. My challenge at times is finding that perfect title.
Candice Vitalien
"Keep glowing even if no one can see your light.
For among the hidden stars on the darkest night
Someone will look up and behold
The flickering hope; words untold;
Strength and Honour my Warriors! "
author commentWarrior Princess
Thu, 2023-01-19 13:24
Ekaterina Alexa, thank you
Ekaterina Alexa, thank you for your encouraging words and for taking the time to read my poem.
Candice Vitalien
"Keep glowing even if no one can see your light.
For among the hidden stars on the darkest night
Someone will look up and behold
The flickering hope; words untold;
Strength and Honour my Warriors! "
author comment