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"Fool in the Rain"

Submitted by Leslie on Tue, 2024-02-13 06:06

When you're down and out
with nothing left to lose.
You’ve got no home,
no vocation to pursue.
I’m sure that you have
got the blues.
When you have no friends,
no one is going to take
your side.
The police show up
and want to take you for a ride.
You can’t run and there's
no place to hide
and you just want
to break down and cry.
You still have something
deep down inside.
Just ask Dr. Frankl ,
you can still choose.
how you see the world.
There's still love
deep down inside.
So let it out,
let it shine on through!
I know it's not easy,
but it's something you can do.
To ease the pain
of these worthless blues!

Review Request (Intensity):

I appreciate moderate constructive criticism

Review Request (Direction):

What did you think of my title?

What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?

How does this theme appeal to you?

Is the internal logic consistent?

Last few words:

I tried very hard to punctuate this correctly,but I am sure that it is lacking due to my limited vocabulary. Nonetheless I hope you as poets like and enjoy it in some way. Thanks!

Editing stage:

Editing - rough draft

Content level:

Not Explicit Content

Opt-in: Neopoet AI will critique your poem.

Comments

neopoet

Tue, 2024-02-13 12:10

Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Fool in the Rain" demonstrates a strong grasp of imagery and rhythm, which helps to engage the reader's senses and emotions. However, there are areas where the poem could potentially be improved.

Firstly, the poem could benefit from a clearer narrative or thematic thread. While the poem seems to revolve around a character or persona's attraction to another, it's not entirely clear what the relationship between these two characters is, or what the central conflict or tension of the poem is meant to be. This lack of clarity can make it difficult for the reader to fully engage with the poem.

Secondly, the poem's language and phrasing can sometimes feel a bit forced or unnatural, which can disrupt the flow of the poem. For example, the phrase "Putting on, an auspicious show" feels somewhat awkward due to the comma placement and the use of the word "auspicious", which doesn't quite fit with the poem's overall tone and diction.

Lastly, the poem's ending could potentially be strengthened. The final line "and leaves you standing in the rain!" seems to suggest a shift or resolution of some sort, but it's not entirely clear what this shift or resolution is meant to be. Providing more context or buildup to this ending could help to make it more impactful.

In conclusion, while the poem demonstrates a strong grasp of imagery and rhythm, it could be improved by clarifying its narrative or thematic thread, refining its language and phrasing, and strengthening its ending.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Ruby Lord

Tue, 2024-02-13 06:27

Hi Leslie, this was good, it

Hi Leslie, this was good, it has a nice flow and rythm to it and the title says it all.
I would suggest you change the second line:
Would to be, tangled up with you - I long to be, entangled with you. or something similar.

And for this line: My senses regain their sovereignty - For sense regains its sovereignty, by changing the word to sense from senses is better grammatically and leaves the poem a little more ambiguous with the reader who will ask who is regaining sense here?
These are my suggestions and you can use them or ignore them, I won't be offended either way. Ruby :) xx

Give and grow - let's raise our verses together. I'm happy to comment on your work and appreciate a comment on mine.

Candlewitch

Tue, 2024-02-13 09:23

Dear Leslie,

I would capitalize the first letter in each word of the title. I love the creativity of the title! I very much enjoyed these lines as they reminded me of a Bob Dylan song (Tangled Up In Blue) on the "Blood On The Tracks" album.

An excellent poem with so much emotion behind the words! I have no other suggestions for you.

*hugs, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Leslie

Tue, 2024-02-13 11:44

Cat...

Thanks for reading. I'm glad you enjoyed it. I thought your idea was great.

The power of our language can and will change the world.
Successively until our languages become one!

author comment

Clentin

Thu, 2024-02-15 02:12

Leslie,

Leslie,
I liked the title and the poem with its message.
As you progress with Neopoet you will get suggestions about punctuation, rhyme etc. keep writing!

Leslie

Fri, 2024-02-16 05:58

Clentin...

Thank you for your words of wisdom sir!

The power of our language can and will change the world.
Successively until our languages become one!

author comment

Neopoet

"Fool in the Rain"