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EXODUS

Submitted by Sheddie on Fri, 2023-08-18 02:26

In a time of trauma,
When peace wear wrinkles, piqued,
From elegance to blackwash,
Arms circled in anonymy,
Grazed upon heavy bodies,
The floor weeps to the ground,
And the ground wails to the sky.

Ho! A tale is telling itself,
That a sumptuous meal is served,
On the far end of the raging ocean.
It's the Genesis of Exodus,
The Exodus from woes and Lamentations.
Gazing upon many revelations,
A race is on, unflagging stampede.

It's the era of Exodus,
A second chance to aim at better life,
To achieve, attain, success strife,
When the head no longer functions,
The body flies into different directions
Many hands among us have grown sober,
Gladly accepting the offer of life's back door.

Lo, Exodus is fast upon us,
Beclouding our clouds, watering our seeds,
Many to fade away, few to remain same,
A home away from home is what they call there,
A passage to better life, wrecking dignity.
No more say, now a citizen of second class,
Dare to Exodus, maybe a better life awaits.

Review Request (Intensity): 
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What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
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Editing stage: 
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Contest: 
Neopoem Of The Week August 13th to August 18th 2023.
Content level: 
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neopoet

Fri, 2023-08-18 08:30

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "EXODUS" explores the theme of seeking a better life and escaping from difficult circumstances. The imagery and metaphors used effectively convey the sense of struggle and hope that accompanies such a journey. However, there are a few areas where the poem could be strengthened.

Firstly, the poem could benefit from a clearer structure. Consider dividing the poem into stanzas to create a more organized flow of ideas. This would also allow for the exploration of different aspects of the theme in each section, adding depth and variety to the poem.

Additionally, some of the language and phrasing in the poem could be refined to enhance its impact. For example, in the line "When peace wear wrinkles, piqued," the meaning is not entirely clear. Consider revising this line to provide a more precise and evocative description.

Furthermore, the poem could benefit from a more consistent and refined use of imagery. While there are some vivid and powerful images, such as "the floor weeps

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