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Ephraim the wanderer!

Submitted by Leslie on Mon, 2023-04-10 00:48

Lost and forlorn
you walk through the deserts
lonely at night,you cry to the moon
Jakobs child
continually searching
for somewhere to rest
somewhere to call home
given your heart to some strange rebellion
can't keep both feet upon the road
when will you cease to pine and wander
will you ever turn and come home?

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
I changed everything completely. This a biblical topic of interest to me!
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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neopoet

Mon, 2023-04-10 00:48

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The below is a computer generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Unforgotten!" tells a story of a conception that occurred on a hot August night in 1963. The speaker assumes that they were the result of a careless act of two lovers who disregarded the potential consequences. The poem is written in a straightforward manner, with a simple rhyme scheme and a clear trajectory.

While the story is compelling, the poem could benefit from some line editing. For example, in the line "seemingly out of spite," the word "spite" seems out of place and doesn't quite fit with the rest of the poem's tone. A suggested line edit could be, "two lovers intertwined, / in the heat of their desire."

Furthermore, the poem's syntax could be improved in certain areas. For instance, the line "a child was born in May," could be rephrased to "In May, a child was born," to make the phrasing more fluid.

Overall, "Unforgotten!" is a sentimental piece that tells a story of passion and consequence. With some minor tweaks to syntax and word choice, the poem has the potential to be even more impactful.

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