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This England

Submitted by Ruby Lord on Mon, 2023-07-17 13:49

I take night path through the street,
Never knowing where I tread.
But witness faces I come to meet,
And glimpse in them a worried dread.

In everybody I sense demise,
Coupled in limitless pain.
And in each voice, the saddest cries,
They are starved, for master’s campaign.

When hunger wins over indolence,
And thought grows short but hasty.
To use us in their defence,
Collective lethargy makes us tasty.

And deep at night I hear haunting moans,
Battered, raped and beaten.
He swears he’ll break her fragile bones,
Her flesh a morsel brutally eaten.

In trial of worry, fear and fright,
We sense defeat in our fatigue.
To transcend above twisted plight,
Must we surrender to cruel intrigue?

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
I wrote this thinking about the current state of the world and the climate change we are undergoing across the globe. If we continue using fossil fuel at the current rates, we will be unable to recover or implemnt green technology as resources will grow scarcer. Heat rising in the seas, ice caps melting, global famine, will give us a future that is no longer secure for most but only the richest. Migration from countries dying caused by adverse weather conditions is not the only issue. Starvation as crops fail, lack of water and possible pandemics are the future we are looking at. There is a good article here that discusses our future, it's a long read but worth the effort. https://richardheinberg.com/museletter-353-deadly-optimism-useful-pessimism
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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neopoet

Mon, 2023-07-17 19:50

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "This England" presents a grim and somber depiction of a society in distress. The use of vivid and evocative imagery, such as "In everybody I sense demise, Coupled in limitless pain" and "Her flesh a morsel brutally eaten", effectively communicates the dire circumstances of the setting. However, the poem could benefit from a clearer narrative structure to guide the reader through the progression of events and emotions.

The poem's rhythm and meter are generally consistent, contributing to a steady, somber pace that complements the content. However, there are moments where the meter falters, such as in the line "They are starved, for master’s campaign." Adjusting the syllable count or word choice could help maintain the rhythm.

The language used is rich and evocative, but at times it can be overly complex, potentially obscuring the poem's message. Simplifying the language or clarifying the imagery could make the poem more accessible to a wider audience.

The poem's theme of societal decay and despair is powerful, but it could be strengthened by the inclusion of more specific details or examples. This would allow the reader to connect more deeply with the poem's message and empathize with the subjects of the poem.

Lastly, the poem ends on a question, leaving the reader to ponder the fate of the society depicted. While this can be an effective technique, the question could be more impactful if it were more directly tied to the preceding content. As it stands, the question feels somewhat disconnected from the rest of the poem.

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Geezer

Tue, 2023-07-18 00:13

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that you have put lots of thought into the theme and the writing of it.
I think that the question at the end, is what many people would ask; "If we should surrender,
to our baser instincts and greed?" Can we make a difference?" Myself, I think we have a slim chance,
of a pocket or two advanced civilization, after the bees and animals that are keeping everything going
almost completely die... maybe... Nice job! I like the narrative style. ~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Ruby Lord

Tue, 2023-07-18 05:32

Ruby Lord's picture

Thanks Geezer, I am weary of my thoughts being so pessimistic. The article I sited gives details of why we are suffering with our pessimisim in a positive way and how we can work with it.
Onwards and upwards as I now say. I'm going to look for more positive reads. Ruby :)

Give and grow - let's raise our verses together. I'm happy to comment on your work and appreciate a comment on mine.

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Geezer

Tue, 2023-07-18 09:32

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one of your everyday, ordinary incidents in life and make a positive experience. Write something about the squirrels outside your window or the garbageman picking up the trash! Make something extra-ordinary out of it. Of course, if you want to make history and become famous, I can't tell you how to do that, but I can tell you that there are many interesting stories out there.
Take the leap of faith, see what you can make fun and exciting, be daring. ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Ruby Lord

Tue, 2023-07-18 11:12

Ruby Lord's picture

Thanks Geezer, I will do. Ruby :)

Give and grow - let's raise our verses together. I'm happy to comment on your work and appreciate a comment on mine.

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