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Endless Sleep (*iambic for meter workshop)

Submitted by Candlewitch on Tue, 2012-01-17 13:42

Endless Sleep

Oh Lord, the light is fading and the room is spinning 'round.
My life before me ending as I watch the rain beat down...
When hearts are heavily laden with haunting fears and pain,
the room is filled with loneliness and sounds of falling rain...
The molten shame of memories, smolder in my private tomb.
The endless roads and streets of hell, that I walk alone;
soon shall be forgotten. I'll embrace the endless sleep.
Faith forsaken, abandoned by all hope,
my dreams have turned to dust.
Deep within this desolation,
my weary spirit knows its destination's thrust..
After years of searching for their rightful place...
All lost sheep come home some day, to the endless sleep.

*this poem is for the meter workshop (iambic). I know it needs alot of work, because I only have a very basic idea of what I am doing. Please help? I posted it somewhere else concerned with workshops, and now I can't find it!!! If you've seen it, please let me know where it is? Thanks, Cat

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

emogothgirl

Tue, 2012-01-17 15:50

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that last line is confusing me a little. with iambic, would it be

All lost sheep come home some day, to the endless sleep?

this whole "meter" thing is new to me. i think that line is the only one that gave me trouble. it could use some touching up, but very nice by the way.

always,

mag

Candlewitch

Sat, 2012-01-21 15:16

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I'll work on the line that bothered you. Now let's see if I can figure out how to make words bold

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author comment

Candlewitch

Sat, 2012-01-21 15:18

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Yes it helped to go to iambic trimeter for a simple exercise!

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Race_9togo

Tue, 2012-01-17 18:35

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I like this one a lot.
But I would like to see it fiercely structured, in terms of meter. A set number of stresses on every line, no more, and no less, and no exceptions.

iambic pentameter would read

da-DUM da-DUM da-DUM da-DUM da-DUM

on every line, for a total of five sets of unstressed and stressed parts, the first part unstressed, the second stressed - da-DUM.

In case your wondering, I ALWAYS use 'da-DUM', when I write this kind of poetry, lol, it makes things so much easier. I write it, then sit and count the stresses on my fingers!

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

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Candlewitch

Sat, 2012-01-21 15:22

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Thanks so much! I can just see you sitting there counting on your fingers, lol!

:) Cat

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And responds, please be courteous
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Nordic cloud

Wed, 2012-01-18 13:22

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Well I enjoyed it but have no knowledge of how to advise.

Ann

"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.

scribbler

Wed, 2012-01-18 21:43

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Try reading just the first 2 words of each line. In Iambic the 1st syllable should always be unstressed or unaccented. Try reading these 1st 2 words and I think you will spot the ones which(I think) are trochaic or where 1st syllable is stressed............stan

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