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Disneyland dreams

Submitted by Leslie on Thu, 2024-02-08 18:05

Get in the car dammit!
I don’t care if you fed the cat.
We’re going to Disneyland,
and that’s that.

We’ll pick up Ma
at a quarter past six.
We can’t be late,
she’ll be totally ticked..

Hey you in the back,
shut your enormous trap.
Stop with your yammering
you're going to get slapped!

I told you once,
I won’t tell you again.
You should’ve pissed
before we began.

When we make it to Ma’s
don’t quibble or pout.
The rest of the trip
will be non-stop.

So hold yer water
for God's sake,
and maybe we’ll get there
If just a wee bit late?

What in the hell
are those green pungent fumes?
The damn car’s no good
the whole trip is blown!

We haven't met Ma
And she’s gonna be pissed.
So sit down and shut up
she might use her fists!

Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

neopoet

Fri, 2024-02-09 00:10

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Disneyland dreams" is a narrative piece with a strong sense of character and dialogue. The language is colloquial and the tone is tense, which effectively conveys the stress and urgency of the situation. The use of rhymes adds a rhythmic quality to the poem, which is engaging and helps to maintain the reader's interest.

However, there are a few areas that could be improved. The poem could benefit from more varied sentence structure and rhythm to avoid monotony and to better reflect the chaotic nature of the situation. The repetition of phrases like "shut up" and "pissed" could be replaced with more diverse language to enrich the poem's vocabulary and imagery.

The poem's theme and message could be made clearer. While it seems to be about a stressful car journey to Disneyland, the significance of this journey and its impact on the characters are not fully explored. The poem could delve deeper into the characters' emotions and motivations, and the ending could be more conclusive to provide a satisfying resolution to the narrative.

Lastly, the poem could benefit from more careful proofreading to correct minor errors, such as the double period after "ticked" in the second stanza.

Overall, the poem has potential and with some revisions, it could be a compelling narrative piece.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Leslie

Thu, 2024-02-08 18:12

Leslie's picture

If you havn't had the complete experience you'll get more or less. Have fun now and stay safe.

The power of our language can and will change the world.
Successively until our languages become one!

author comment

Ruby Lord

Fri, 2024-02-09 05:55

Ruby Lord's picture

Hi Leslie, I liked your poem for it's story telling elements which were good. The tension you created in the poem was good but I think your rhymes need a little more or a little less work. There's some inconsistency in your rhymes, they're not easy to achive all the time. Perhaps if you tried to write it as free verse it could free you up and you could give the reader more emotional impact by using different expressions? Just a thought. I hope this helps? Ruby :) xx

Give and grow - let's raise our verses together. I'm happy to comment on your work and appreciate a comment on mine.

Leslie

Fri, 2024-02-09 06:40

Leslie's picture

thanks Ruby I think you're right I think I need to open things up a bit thanks

The power of our language can and will change the world.
Successively until our languages become one!

author comment
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