Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

The dimming of the light

Throughout the night and everyday
nothing but a castaway.
Given to the dimming of lights,
no emotion left inside.
Only darkness which I hide.
Exiled to cages in my mind.
Do you see this painful ride?
The peace that will not seem to vibe.
The joy that just won’t come to life
In the end my circumstances,
won’t allow for second chances.
But I'll be here by your side
through thick and thin,
both day and night!

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
This poem definatly has weak spots. Any suggestions are welcome
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
Opt-in: Neopoet AI will critique your poem.

Comments

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem presents a clear and consistent theme of darkness and despair, effectively using imagery and metaphor to convey a sense of isolation and emotional struggle. The phrase "exiled to cages in my mind" is particularly evocative, suggesting a feeling of being trapped within one's own thoughts and emotions.

However, the poem could benefit from a more varied and complex use of language. The vocabulary is relatively simple and straightforward, which can limit the depth and richness of the poem's imagery. Experimenting with more unusual or unexpected word choices could help to create a more distinctive and memorable poetic voice.

The rhythm and meter of the poem are somewhat inconsistent, which can disrupt the flow of the reading. The poet might consider revising the poem with a particular metrical pattern in mind, to create a more rhythmic and musical quality.

The final lines of the poem introduce a new theme of loyalty and companionship, which feels somewhat disconnected from the rest of the poem. If this theme is important to the overall message of the poem, it might be helpful to incorporate it more fully throughout the poem, rather than introducing it at the end. Alternatively, the poet might consider focusing more narrowly on the theme of darkness and despair, to create a more cohesive and focused piece.

Finally, the poem's use of rhyme is somewhat predictable, with a consistent AABB pattern throughout. While this is not necessarily a problem, the poet might consider experimenting with more varied or unexpected rhyme schemes, to create a more dynamic and engaging reading experience.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.