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Communique

These are puzzling days of our lives.
we speak our minds quickly, when problems arise
not thinking about the look in their eyes
there's no way to run, nowhere to hide
we laugh aloud thinking that we've won
when we walk away from promises made
our relationships will eventually fade
think then about the things that you say
and find a kinder, peaceful way!
to communicate with those you meet each day!.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
A man once said "if you're wrong admit it! When you're right be quiet." We truly communicate when we put our trivial pursuits aside and learn to listen. To give a positive message to everyone, for we all at times, are found in need.
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Communique" explores the theme of communication and its impact on relationships. It effectively uses a conversational tone to express its message, which makes it relatable to a broad audience. However, there are a few areas that could be improved for a more refined poetic experience.

1. Consistency in Rhyme and Rhythm: The poem seems to follow an ABAB rhyme scheme in the first four lines, but this pattern is not maintained throughout the poem. Consistency in rhyme and rhythm can provide a more satisfying reading experience.

2. Imagery and Metaphor: The poem could benefit from more vivid imagery or metaphors to convey its message. For example, the line "our relationships will eventually derail" could be expanded upon with a metaphor that deepens the understanding of this concept.

3. Line Breaks and Punctuation: The poem's line breaks and punctuation could use some refinement. For instance, the line "we laugh aloud and end each sentence" could be split into two lines to create a pause and emphasize the idea.

4. Show, Don't Tell: The poem could benefit from showing rather than telling. Instead of directly stating "think then about the things that you say," the poem could show the consequences of not thinking before speaking.

5. Word Choice: The poem uses simple, everyday language, which makes it accessible. However, more varied and descriptive word choices could enhance the poem's depth and complexity. For example, instead of "there's no way to run and nowhere to hide," consider using more evocative language to convey the same idea.

Overall, the poem has a strong central theme and a clear message. With some refinement in the areas mentioned above, it could offer a more impactful and engaging reading experience.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Another good message you've delivered through your lines. I believe there is a big problem in communication between people especially when it comes to the elderly people and the younger generation.
I'd like to see how you're going to improve this one as I thought it has really a good potential to it.

Thank you for sharing.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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Thank you, and if you could give me any ideas on how to improve it. I would appreciate it!

The power of our language can and will change the world.
Successively until our languages become one!

author comment

Certainly would be happy to.
Please remember these are just suggestions.
1. instead of speaking generally about "problems," you could provide concrete examples of situations where hasty communication led to misunderstandings or hurt feelings

2. experiment with poetic devices like metaphors, similes, alliteration, or repetition to add depth and musicality to the piece. For example, "Words hurled like arrows, piercing hearts with careless aim."

3.You could also use vivid Imagery to paint a clearer picture of the emotions and consequences described. For example, "like ships lost in a storm, our words crash upon rocky shores, leaving behind shattered trust."

Hope this to be a bit of help. If it doesn't please don't hesitate to ask for more elaboration.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Please follow me on Instagram
https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

Definitely helpful, but a bit to much for my limited ability. On the other hand I am learning a lot. Thank you for commenting!

The power of our language can and will change the world.
Successively until our languages become one!

author comment

I found this line to be a bit rough: (we laugh aloud and end each sentence) it is the words "end, & and" perhaps: (we laugh aloud, ending each sentence) this is just a suggestion of course. I very much like the poem, especially these lines:

there is no way to prove our guileful pretense
when we walk away from promises we've made

*hugs, your friend, Cat

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