Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

The Big Smoke

Submitted by ES Poetry on Tue, 2023-04-04 04:38

“An adventure” I said
When I took them on a train to
The big smoke
Once there, I held onto them so tight
Shocked by my motherly fears
Passers-by not looking at me in the eye
Apologising repeatedly,
dismayed by the speed of life
They are not used to the pace, the constant human race
Our Northern attitude shone through
like a rare jewel
I was no ready for the big smoke
The surfaces covered in dirt reminded me of our old coal shed
And the man who used to delivered it,
was too from this big smoke
But he was a kindly soul,
his spirits never low
I always remember him when
I come to London

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
Opt-in: Neopoet AI will critique your poem.

Comments

neopoet

Tue, 2023-04-04 04:38

neopoet's picture
Volunteer badge

The below is a computer generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "The Big Smoke" is a touching reflection on the experience of bringing someone to London for the first time. The narrator's motherly instincts kick in as she holds onto her companions tightly, feeling overwhelmed by the speed of life and the constant human race. The use of "the big smoke" as a metaphor for London is effective, as it conjures up images of pollution, industry, and the frenetic pace of urban life.

One possible line edit could be to add a comma after "Passes by" in the third stanza. This would help to clarify the sentence and make it easier to read: "Passes by, not looking at me in the eye."

Overall, the poem captures a sense of nostalgia for a simpler time, with references to the narrator's Northern roots and memories of the coal shed. The image of the kindly coal man adds a touch of warmth to the poem, and serves as a reminder that even in the midst of the big smoke, there are still moments of kindness and connection to be found. The ending, with its reference to remembering the coal man whenever the narrator comes to London, is a poignant reminder of how our memories and experiences shape our perceptions of the world around us.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Candlewitch

Tue, 2023-04-04 07:07

Candlewitch's picture
Volunteer badge

I wish you were my neighbor, for I would love to have conversations with you. you have fresh ideas on old subjects! I believe you to be an excellent conversationalist! your poem addresses a few issues that are problematic to many, and very well done, too!

*hugs, Cat
Brightest of Blessings

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.