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Alley cat affair!
Hes got that strut,
whiskers and a hat
showin' what hes got
that alley cat.
Feelin' kind of pesky
with his tail held high.
Movin' with the rythym
through a moonlit night.
The gaelic gal,
crept up from behind.
O'malley was befrazzled
it was whoopin' time.
She waved her tail
as he began to wail!
Caught him unawares
with his dungarees down.
There was no way now,
to control his passion.
It was over and done
in lightning like fashion.
When the sun came up,
she had vanished with the dawn
O'Malley lay toasted
on the cemetary lawn!
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words:
Tis what it is. I did my best. Thanks to Neo for the suggestions.
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Region & Country
South Ogden, Utah
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Jon Anderson, Jon Ondrasik, Donald Fagen, and all of the poets at neo.
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Comments
neopoet
Sun, 2024-02-18 05:11
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Alley cat affair!" employs a narrative style to depict a whimsical and somewhat humorous tale of two cats. The use of casual language and rhyming couplets gives the poem a lighthearted tone, which complements the subject matter.
The poem could benefit from a more consistent meter to enhance the rhythm. For example, the line "She had caught him unawares" disrupts the rhythm established in the previous stanzas. A revision could be "Caught him unawares," which maintains the rhythm and doesn't lose the meaning.
The poem also uses a mix of colloquial and formal language ("dungarees down" vs "sultry and refined"). While this can add to the humor, it may also confuse the tone. A more consistent language choice could strengthen the overall voice of the poem.
The narrative could be enhanced with more vivid, sensory descriptions. For instance, instead of "She was long gone," consider something like "She had vanished with the dawn," which adds a visual element and maintains the rhyme scheme.
Lastly, the poem might benefit from a more defined ending. The current ending leaves the reader with an image of O'Malley, but it doesn't provide a clear resolution or takeaway. A final stanza that ties back to the beginning or offers a new insight could provide a more satisfying conclusion.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Leslie
Sun, 2024-02-18 07:07
Neo
I felt that Neos analysis was accurate and helpful. Thanks.
The power of our language can and will change the world.
Successively until our languages become one!
author commentAlex Tanner
Sun, 2024-02-18 05:33
Hello
I think the ending leaves no one in any doubt as to what has passed, A few tweaks here and there would not come amiss but overall I found this a whimsical piece in contrast to the doom and gloom of so many submissions. More like it please. Alex
Leslie
Sun, 2024-02-18 06:58
Mr. Tanner
This was a follow-up from my previous entry. Thank you for consideration in reading it. It really isn't much when I compare
it to the other poetry written here. In any event, thank you.
The power of our language can and will change the world.
Successively until our languages become one!
author commenthippiemoon
Sun, 2024-02-18 15:01
Hello
This is an amazing poem!! Was it meant to remind me of the Aristocats? Look forward to reading more of your work!
-hippiemoon
Leslie
Sun, 2024-02-18 22:01
Hippiemoon...
either that or puss in boots. I'm glad you liked it!
The power of our language can and will change the world.
Successively until our languages become one!
author commentLavender
Sun, 2024-02-18 22:14
Alley Cat Affair
Hello, Leslie,
I really enjoyed this! I like the other version, too, but this account gives so much more detail to your rascally characters. Clever title!
L
Leslie
Sun, 2024-02-18 23:25
L...
so glad you enjoyed it!
The power of our language can and will change the world.
Successively until our languages become one!
author commentCandlewitch
Fri, 2024-03-22 08:27
Dear Leslie,
I love the whole poem!!! A cat with pizazz from ear to tail!
*hugs, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Leslie
Fri, 2024-03-22 08:42
Cat...
No kidding right, it sounded OK to me anyway thanks!
The power of our language can and will change the world.
Successively until our languages become one!
author commentCandlewitch
Fri, 2024-03-22 08:48
Dear Leslie, my friend,
It is more than ok...it is brilliant :)
*hugs, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.