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Absolutely beautiful

Submitted by Leslie on Fri, 2024-03-08 17:54

With the winter sky, snowflakes fall.
The trees, soldiers stand strong and tall.
The snowy hare, in it's burrow lies.
Counting the days till Spring arrives
Then carefully she creeps, out on the green,
to nibble succulent delicious things.
Soon a litter of kittens arrives.
Then for four months she will stay at their side.
When off the kits run, to form other pairs.
To have babes of their own in their own cozy lair.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
Any help would be appreciated, please read and leave a comment. Thanks!
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

neopoet

Sat, 2024-03-09 00:00

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem effectively uses imagery to depict the transition of seasons and the cycle of life in nature. However, there are areas where the poem could be improved.

Firstly, the poem could benefit from a more consistent rhyme scheme. The first two lines follow an AABB pattern, but the rest of the poem deviates from this. Consistency in rhyme can enhance the rhythm and flow of the poem.

Secondly, the poem could be more precise in its language. For instance, "magically opening the forest's eyes" is a metaphor that could be clarified. What exactly does it mean for a forest to open its eyes? More concrete language could make this metaphor more vivid and impactful.

Lastly, the poem has a minor grammatical error in the line "To have babes of there own in a cozy little lair." The correct form should be "their" instead of "there".

By addressing these issues, the poem could more effectively convey its themes and engage its readers.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Rula

Sat, 2024-03-09 14:05

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An amusing piece. I really like it.
For line two I would rewrite it like
"The trees, soldiers, stand strong and tall."

I am not sure why you chose to use end rhymes on the first lines then you ignore it altogether for the rest of the poem.
Just me with few thoughts. Please feel free to ignore whatever I said. You know your poem better anyway.

Thank you for sharing.

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Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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Leslie

Sat, 2024-03-09 14:25

Leslie's picture

Comments well taken, I am in a positive mood. I always find value in any ideas provided. Thank you.

The power of our language can and will change the world.
Successively until our languages become one!

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