Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

A Cruel Joke

Submitted by Candlewitch on Thu, 2024-10-03 10:10

He was wild and adventurous.
A Lothario of great note
discharged from the U.S. Navy,
finding land legs, just off the boat.

Feeling freedom for the first time
from shores of Viet Nam, now home.
Fancy for the neighbors daughter,
this bad cat was out on the roam!

Dating Jan for a month of days
without explanation, he stopped
found another who turned his head
so, by the wayside she was dropped.

Distressed, Jan told him of her plight
He said it was not "His" baby,
smirk, "Why are you not on the pill?"
"It is your own doing, Maybe?"

Taking his dog Blatz to the lake,
scope the scene for girls on the beach
they would run up, give Blatz a pat
well behaved, not needing a leash.

Well trained he stayed by his master
whose eyes found a goal in his range.
Blatz ran ahead with wagging tail
licking faces, as an exchange.

Jerry with Blatz, made connection
smoking on a hash pipe, he sneezed
Blatz sniffed around Mary a bit
then Lifting up his leg, he peed!

Poor Mary with a wet back cried!
Jerry laughed, gave her a poke.
Her eyes glittering her rebuke...
"Too bad you're a big cruel joke!"

Style / type:

Structured: Western

Review Request (Intensity):

I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Review Request (Direction):

What did you think of my title?

How was my language use?

What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?

How does this theme appeal to you?

How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Last few words:

notepad: written on: More Styx now: 10- 03- 2024

Editing stage:

Editing - draft

Contest:

10/24 The Cruel Joke

Content level:

Not Explicit Content

Opt-in: Neopoet AI will critique your poem.

Comments

neopoet

Thu, 2024-10-03 16:10

Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "A Cruel Joke" seems to be a narrative piece that tells the story of a man and his dog, with elements of humor and satire. The poem's structure is consistent, with each stanza containing four lines and a clear rhyme scheme.

However, the poem could benefit from some improvements. The narrative flow is somewhat disjointed, with the story jumping from one event to another without much transition. This makes it difficult to follow the narrative and understand the connections between different events. It may be beneficial to add more transitional phrases or lines to help guide the reader through the story.

Additionally, the character development could be enhanced. While the main character's actions are described, his motivations and feelings are not explored in depth. This makes it hard for the reader to understand why he behaves the way he does. Adding more details about the character's thoughts and emotions could help to make him more relatable and engaging.

Finally, the poem's language and diction could be refined. Some of the phrasing is awkward or unclear, which can detract from the overall impact of the poem. For example, the line "Feeling freedom for the first time" is somewhat ambiguous - it's not clear what kind of freedom the character is experiencing. Clarifying these kinds of phrases could help to improve the poem's clarity and effectiveness.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Geezer

Fri, 2024-10-04 11:59

Hi Cat...

I will be back to this later. ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Candlewitch

Fri, 2024-10-04 16:10

see you later?

thanks Geez...

* many hugs, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

author comment

Neopoet

A Cruel Joke