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Unexpected Horror!

Submitted by Candlewitch on Fri, 2024-10-04 13:04

My friend and roommate, Rosemary
and I decided to go out
maybe we'd go to the movies
her turn to choose, without a doubt.

I'd not seen a flick in ages,
it surely had been a long time.
She would not tell me the title
keeping a secret was no crime.

Downtown, to the city we went
her eyes glittered with mystery,
not telling me what she had done
she'd slipped Acid into my tea!

Seating ourselves in mid-section
The house lights dimmed completely now
the film's start was innocuous
the Sweat collecting on my brow...

Rosemary began watching me cope
to see the changes on my face,
laughing and smirking for her prank
but it was to her big disgrace.

in our seats side-by-side we sat
she was not being very cool
grabbing my hand she squeezed it hard
drawing blood, she became the fool.

"The Exorcist" had her down flat
It started out with Linda Blair,
who in spewing pea soup, shocking
horrified me stuck to my chair.

but when she spun her head around
I withdrew my mind from the screen.
I heard someone scream from the shock
film's end, we slowly left the scene

We were still high as airborne kites
looking her in her bloodshot eyes
I growled low "I will kill you dead...
I spoke true, she knew not a lie

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
notepad: more styx This really happened. I was unprepared for this experience!
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft
Contest: 
10/24 Horror Story
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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neopoet

Fri, 2024-10-04 19:10

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Unexpected Horror!" utilizes a narrative style to tell a story, which is a popular approach in poetry. The rhythm and rhyme scheme are consistent throughout, which helps to maintain a steady pace and flow. However, there are areas where the narrative could be clearer and the language more precise.

In the third stanza, the phrase "her eyes glittered with mistery" seems to be a misspelling of "mystery". Correcting this would enhance the overall quality of the poem.

In the sixth stanza, the phrase "grabbing my hand she squoze it hard" uses the word "squoze", which is not standard English. Consider revising this to "squeezed" or another appropriate verb.

The narrative could also benefit from more detailed descriptions. For example, the eighth stanza mentions the character Linda Blair and her actions in the movie "The Exorcist", but it doesn't provide much context or description. Expanding on this could help to create a more vivid and engaging narrative.

Finally, the poem's ending is quite abrupt. The final line, "I spoke true she knew not a lie", could be rephrased for clarity. It's unclear whether the speaker is saying that they were telling the truth, or that the other character didn't know they were lying. Clarifying this would help to provide a more satisfying conclusion to the poem.

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