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Tangling Web...
And in the tangled web he weaves
the spider sits so quietly
The victim strums a line that's tight
reflected in the little light
Now the struggle turns desperate
the spider has him in his net
Faced with doom, in the late night gloom
he plays dead, even though he dreads
The moth gone blind with so little light
carefully cuts the line that's tight
Powdered wings touch silken strings
and a secret of his power
He prefers to fly alone, to survey from his tower
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
neopoet
Wed, 2023-10-04 04:31
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Tangling Web..." is a vivid portrayal of a struggle for survival, using the metaphor of a spider and a moth. The imagery is clear and evocative, successfully painting a picture of the scene. However, the poem could benefit from a more consistent rhythm and rhyme scheme. The first two stanzas follow an ABAB rhyme scheme, but this pattern is not maintained throughout the poem. Consistency in rhythm and rhyme can enhance the musicality of a poem and make it more engaging for the reader.
The line "Powdered wings, among other things" is somewhat ambiguous. If the intent was to create a sense of mystery, this line accomplishes that. However, if the goal was to convey specific information about the moth's capabilities or situation, it might be beneficial to provide more detail or clarity.
The final line "He prefers to fly alone, to survey from his tower" introduces a new element to the poem - the tower. If the tower is a significant symbol or metaphor, it would be helpful to introduce it earlier in the poem or provide more context for its inclusion. As it stands, the tower seems to come out of nowhere and its significance is unclear.
Overall, the poem effectively uses metaphor and imagery to depict a struggle for survival. With some adjustments to rhythm, rhyme, and clarity, it could be even more impactful.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Ruby Lord
Wed, 2023-10-04 08:35
This is excellent, musically
This is excellent, musically it reminds me of a childrens rhyme, possible because of the opening line: it's beautiful in terms of flow and your rhyming choices.
I agree with the Bot on the line, "Powdered wings, among other things" and I felt this could do with a rephrase to strengthen your imagery: Powdered wings, touch silken strings? Or play silken strings?
Well done, a great poem, Ruby :)
Give and grow - let's raise our verses together. I'm happy to comment on your work and appreciate a comment on mine.
Candlewitch
Wed, 2023-10-04 09:29
wow Ruby!
I love your replacement suggestions! Beautiful!
*much respect, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Geezer
Wed, 2023-10-04 09:26
Thank you...
I will agree that line should be "Powdered wings touch silken strings". Thanks for a great line. If I had meant the line about the tower to be plain, I wouldn't have couched it in metaphorical terms. P.M. me if you think you have figured it out.
Thanks for your kind words and the astute reasoning. ~ Geez.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Candlewitch
Wed, 2023-10-04 09:34
dear Geezer,
your creative talents should be showcased on a broader media! you write spectacular poetry! I am stumped as to who this is about/subject matter?
*love, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Geezer
Wed, 2023-10-04 09:42
You are also...
invited to speculate about who, what, when and why. I will give a clue or two to you, if you can't figure it out.
~ Geez.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Ruby Lord
Wed, 2023-10-04 11:38
PM'd you :)
PM'd you :)
Give and grow - let's raise our verses together. I'm happy to comment on your work and appreciate a comment on mine.
Lavender
Thu, 2023-10-05 12:56
Tangling Web
Hi, Geezer,
"Oh, what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive." I can think of several spiders and moths that could make up this scenario, but only one who would survey from his tower. I may be completely off the mark, but I am curious and will check back after a few more comments.
Thank you!
L
Geezer
Fri, 2023-10-06 09:55
Curiousity...
is the hallmark of a truly imaginative person. ~ Geez.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Lavender
Mon, 2023-10-09 18:12
First clue...
please!
L
RoseBlack
Sat, 2023-10-07 08:43
I love this
The flow...language...story...those spiders can certainly be controlling and then the sweet freedom that comes in the end...well done
~RoseBlack~
Geezer
Sat, 2023-10-07 09:08
Thank you much...
Yes, those spiders just don't understand freedom. LoL
~ Geez.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.