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Unphased

Submitted by Kristen H. on Tue, 2024-01-30 20:46

I see the black in your eyes
And the red in your face
Your teeth grinding
Snarling

All I hear is ringing
From the high pitched screech
Coming from your throat

Fists balled
Shoulders tense.
All the signs
Of a threatened animal

Though I walk in your shadow
I do not fear you.

You are but a tiny ant under my heel
A gnat in my ear.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft
Contest: 
Neopoet Weekly 01/28/24 to 02/03/24
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

neopoet

Wed, 2024-01-31 02:50

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Unphased" explores the speaker's response to a threatening individual. The imagery and metaphors used effectively convey a sense of power and indifference.

The opening lines create a vivid image of the person's anger and aggression through the description of their black eyes, red face, and grinding teeth. The use of colors and physical sensations adds intensity to the scene. However, it would be beneficial to provide more specific details or examples to enhance the reader's understanding of the situation.

The line "All I hear is ringing" suggests a high-pitched screech coming from the person's throat. This auditory imagery adds to the chaotic atmosphere, but it might be helpful to clarify the source of the sound or its significance to the speaker's experience.

The subsequent lines describe the person's physical posture, emphasizing their threatening nature. The comparison to a threatened animal effectively conveys their vulnerability and desperation. However, it would be interesting to explore further the speaker's perspective on this vulnerability and how it

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Leslie

Wed, 2024-01-31 05:53

Leslie's picture

I feel your energy like you could tear your oppressors
in two and I feel it too, but the person who won't control
themselves is bound to be controlled.

The power of our language can and will change the world.
Successively until our languages become one!

Kristen H.

Wed, 2024-01-31 13:15

Kristen H.'s picture

for your feedback, Leslie! I do my very best to remain calm under pressure and during confrontation.

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Leslie

Wed, 2024-01-31 13:47

Leslie's picture

I d that weidn't mean for that to be condemning. Like the rest as you said we all do the best that we can!

The power of our language can and will change the world.
Successively until our languages become one!

Kristen H.

Wed, 2024-01-31 14:08

Kristen H.'s picture

I didn't take it that way! :) You're tight. We all do our best. (At least I think most of us do)

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Candlewitch

Wed, 2024-01-31 06:24

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I found your poem to be more threatening and frightening as any of mine ever were. This read really got my heart pumping and my pulse feels rapid! ...you have such a sweet face...I never suspected...
* ever, eddy styx

I got caught up in it too. I really admire the set-up line:

"Though I walk in your shadow
I do not fear you."

I think this poem has so many layers and ways it can be viewed from!

*hugs, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Kristen H.

Wed, 2024-01-31 13:24

Kristen H.'s picture

I'll take that as a compliment! Thank you very much!

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