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Two shìps

Submitted by Leslie on Thu, 2023-10-12 00:02

Slowly reaching out to you
In honesty revealing!
An intimate, but simple touch.
A heavenly kind of feeling.
Eyes of fire, the passion burns.
In a frenzied kind of healing
Quickly we move and accelerate
to consummate our dreaming.
Two rider's on a raging sea,
Two ships pass in the night!
undaunted and unyielding
So ends the lovers plight

Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

neopoet

Thu, 2023-10-12 06:02

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Two shìps" demonstrates a solid understanding of rhythm and rhyme, which contributes to the overall flow of the piece. The use of metaphor, such as "Two rider's on a raging sea, Two ships pass in the night!" is effective in conveying the intensity and transience of the relationship described.

However, there are areas that could be improved. The phrase "A heavenly kind of feeling" is somewhat clichéd and could be replaced with a more original expression to maintain reader interest.

The punctuation is inconsistent and sometimes incorrect, which can distract from the reading experience. For example, the apostrophe in "rider's" is unnecessary and the exclamation points could be used more sparingly to increase their impact.

The poem could also benefit from the use of more concrete imagery to ground the abstract emotions in sensory experience. For example, instead of "Eyes of fire, the passion burns," consider describing the specific physical sensations or actions that demonstrate this passion.

Lastly, the poem could explore the characters and their relationship in more depth. The readers are told about the intensity of the feelings, but they don't get a sense of who these characters are, why they are together, or why their relationship is significant. Providing more context or detail could help the readers connect more deeply with the poem.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Lavender

Thu, 2023-10-12 13:34

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Hello, AE,
I feel the urgency and the passion here. Nicely done. I do wonder about the inconsistent use of punctuation, as well as using caps at the beginning of some lines and not others. This created a bit of confusion for me. All in all, a true lover's plight!
Thank you!
L
(I believe "rider's" should be "riders.")

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