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Time
Feelings
sweet,
nice,
illogical
unknown
My heart beats
faster than a locomotive
with no stop
She doesn't need a token
to get on this ride
It doesn't matter though
I can go slower
I can go faster
I can shine myself up
to look all nice and pretty
but she won't get on this ride
No matter how loud my engine howls,
No matter how loud my horn screams,
she won't get on this ride in time.
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
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Comments
Geezer
Fri, 2017-06-09 19:57
I like this one...
Loads of emotion and served up nicely. Maybe a line break between [it doesn't matter though and I can go slower]? No real crit. ~ Gee.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
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Keith Logan
Sat, 2017-06-10 16:50
I like this
It is fine as is but maybe one suggestion. If it were mine I would drop the "loud" before "my engine howls" to give a greater force to the next line. Keep writing.
Keith Logan
the happy chappy
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Scatterhatter
Sat, 2017-06-10 20:51
I like this!
I like this, too!
How can she get on in time if the locomotive has no stop?
Perhaps a timetable so she knows where to catch you?
I hope that you both can journey on together!