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Star-Child

Submitted by Alan Garfoot on Tue, 2023-08-15 01:34

It is deep within the manifestation of the causal dynamics,
And interstellar energies connected to the shamanic,
To create a resolute determination stronger than granite,
In those of the sacred starseed mission to save our planet.

To inspire our aspirations through an art graceful and sublime,
As the outer limits of space and inner soul begin to entwine,
And through meditative affirmations to higher dimensions align,
And so connect us to the essence of the unique cosmically divine.

Contemplating the heavenly star shine of twilight dusk skies,
Emerging with a knowledge both enlightened, loving and wise,
Pursuing the purest energy of our immortal souls inner high,
Investigating the nature of the universe and together asking; why?

To unite us as species and planet under a banner of true love,
Then follow the interstellar mission venturing out to the stars above,
For every human individual should have a quality of life which is good,
And then no longer through war will humans shed each other's blood.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Contest: 
August 2023 Challenge A Strange Story
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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neopoet

Tue, 2023-08-15 07:40

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Star-Child" exhibits a strong use of language to create vivid imagery and a sense of cosmic exploration. The exploration of themes such as unity, peace, and cosmic connection is commendable. However, the poem could benefit from a more rigorous exploration of these themes.

The poem's first stanza introduces the idea of a "sacred starseed mission" to save the planet, but this concept is not fully developed in the subsequent stanzas. The poem could benefit from further exploration of this mission and how it relates to the themes of unity and peace introduced later in the poem.

The use of language in the poem is generally effective, but there are instances where the word choice could be improved. For example, the phrase "interstellar energies connected to the shamanic" is somewhat ambiguous. The term "shamanic" is typically used to refer to practices or beliefs related to shamanism, and it's not clear how this relates to "interstellar energies". Clarifying or rephrasing this could strengthen the poem's overall message.

The poem's rhythm and flow could also be improved. While the poem uses a consistent rhyme scheme, the number of syllables in each line varies, which disrupts the poem's rhythm. Standardizing the syllable count could help to improve the poem's flow and readability.

Finally, the poem's conclusion could be strengthened. The final stanza introduces the idea of humans no longer shedding each other's blood through war, but this idea is not fully developed. Expanding on this idea, or tying it more closely to the poem's earlier themes, could make the poem's conclusion more impactful.

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