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SMOG AND DUST
Arise awake on this dull morning, arise awake we’re full of doubt
If you see the land on fire, do not shake and don’t speak out?
If you boil too hot in winter, they sell ice to cool you down
Freezing weather in the summer, never thawed for burial ground.
When all we had was smog and dust, and people coughed their last
Now the masters go too far, and the planet burns so fast
Everything you paid for, and had the nerve to call your own
Speak it silent my dear friend, they want to buy your loan
We’re doing nothing and get nowhere fast, do governments realise?
As we can’t speak against the systems, when we’re commodities to monetise
The seas are warming and they swell, the ice it melts and raises tides
If we can’t stop this, we have no future, time to stand and pick a side
Animals, plants and insects, wholesale destruction of all species
United Nations and climate change impasse, formulated annual treaties
How far did we come, old news on a loop, no food on a hungry table
While the richest say we’ll save the planet, with more implicit betrayal
One hundred years ago, we watched the industrial revolution
We built it, but it was never ours, the money men paid contribution
The amount of dirt shovelled off our elders backs a calculation
Do we learn from the past, the final solution.
Arise awake this late evening, a revolution close at hand
If we continue with the old ways, we risk the loss of our great land
And the children will not forgive us, we have to demonstrate with light
So, we’ll teach them how to think straight and hope they get this right.
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Last few words:
Input on my penultimate verse please, have I gone too far?
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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United Kingdom
Favorite Poets
I like Margaret Atwoods poetry and I enjoy her writing. She has a natural ability to make her fiction read like poetry, if you read closely you will see it., I have a good understanding of the English language but I don't always follow the rules as I can be a little lazy and sometimes I'm just tired., I've been inspired reading the poetry on Neopoet and have enjoyed analysing other people's work.
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Comments
neopoet
Sat, 2023-04-15 10:59
Neopoet AI
The below is a computer generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Smog and Dust" is a powerful commentary on the state of our environment and the role of humanity in its destruction. The use of vivid imagery and evocative language effectively conveys the urgency and gravity of the situation. The poem is structured in a way that builds momentum and intensity, leading up to a call to action for readers to take a stand and make a difference.
One suggested line edit would be to change "they want to buy your loan" to "they want to buy your soul". This change would add an extra layer of metaphorical weight and emphasize the idea that our society and economy are built on a foundation of exploitation and greed.
Overall, "Smog and Dust" is a thought-provoking and impactful poem that highlights the importance of environmental conservation and social justice. The author's passion and conviction shine through in their words, making this a truly memorable piece.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Obadiah Grey
Sat, 2023-04-15 14:07
Agree with all but "they want
Agree with all but "they want to buy your soul",,, thats reeaally clichéd !
terrible idea.
Obi.
Obadiah Grey
Sat, 2023-04-15 13:57
You put mankind to shame, as
You put mankind to shame, as you should!
A powerful piece that we should all heed.
(love the title btw)
You ask "have I gone too far"?
Never, if you want to write influential poetry
that sways opinions in a poetic manner
then poke the buggers in the eye....
Loved it. Obi.
Obadiah Grey
Sat, 2023-04-15 13:57
You put mankind to shame, as
You put mankind to shame, as you should!
A powerful piece that we should all heed.
(love the title btw)
You ask "have I gone too far"?
Never, if you want to write influential poetry
that sways opinions in a poetic manner
then poke the buggers in the eye....
Loved it. Obi.
Ruby Lord
Sat, 2023-04-15 18:33
Thanks Obi, yeah, AI is very
Thanks Obi, yeah, AI is very predictable which makes him shit as for help or as a critic.
If this is the final solution, what does that mean for mankind? We've been bought and sold on the back of industry and commerce. It's no wonder there is so much bitterness in this world.
Come the revolution, Wolfie Smith, real hero.
Give and grow - let's raise our verses together. I'm happy to comment on your work and appreciate a comment on mine.
author commentLavender
Sat, 2023-04-15 18:36
Smog And Dust
Hello, Ruby,
A well written poem with a bleak, but truthful message. Strong throughout, but your final two lines get down to the nitty-gritty of it all. There is hope.
Thank you for this one!
L
Ruby Lord
Sat, 2023-04-15 18:50
Thank you Lavender, hope is
Thank you Lavender, hope is all we have isn't it? Such a sad admission but reality is closer for some of us. I'm grateful for my years, and lack of probable longevity.
Give and grow - let's raise our verses together. I'm happy to comment on your work and appreciate a comment on mine.
author commentLavender
Sat, 2023-04-15 18:57
Hi, Ruby,
Yep, my generation has done some real damage. I put a lot of faith in our youth, they seem to be incredibly smart.
L